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• Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off
• Hell to Now Feature Ads
• Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’
• Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger
• Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train
• Sports Fan Hits Record Setting Parlay
• Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold
• Back To School Coupons
• Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
• Which Major Should You Choose?
• Scripps Institute of Oceanography to Annex Surrounding Beach Homes
• Little Chats With Melvin McQuerey
• Following Ecological Destruction, Fisherman Fishes for Compliments
• NEXT!
• Toxic Workplace Environments Perfect for Crop Growth
• Meow Tools
• Sunshine Market Maximizes Convenience by Abolishing the Illusion of Choice
• Mark Robinson shocked to find out he is not a pedophile
• God busy with other side projects these days
• The MQ Designs Ninth College
• The MQs Course Syllabus
• SDPD Union Asks Public to ‘Stop Being Mean’
• Scientists Discover Where the Time Goes
• Top Ten Tips for UCSD Freshmen
• Art Scheme Exposed After ‘Silliest’ Turn of Events
• UCSD to Acquire UTC
• Top Ten Reasons Your Professors Hate You
• Screw All of You: A Manifesto
• Trump Solves Twelfth Major Crisis of the Week
• I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?
• Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’
• ‘The Astronauts Are Fine,’ Says Boeing
• Top Ten Ways This School Year Will Be Different from Last Year
• I Bet I Could Do Olympic Gymnastics if I Really, Really Wanted To
• Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging
• UCSD to Ban Witch Trials
• UC Regents Bans Students from Campuses
• Median Voter Found
• US To Be Joined by the UK in Celebrating Independence Day
• UCSD Student Discovers Arts Majors
• Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse
• Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful
• Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down
• Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest
• Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities
• UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’
• President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’
• Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
• Mysterious Chef Seen in Revelle Construction Zone
• UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses
• Wells Fargo Turns To E-Banking
• Chef Gets A Little Too Creative
• The MQ’s Last Supper
• Chud and the Heartthrobs
• Taylor Swift Overcomes Cult of Personality and Industry Monopoly to Top the Charts
• Fallen
• God is a Khosla
• I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought
• Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College
• UCSD Construction Cranes Named New Official Mascot
• Top Ten Activities in Hamster Heaven
• Susan Bagel: Asparagus
• Horoscopes – May 2024
• ‘Exceptionally Joyous’ American Makes US Happiest Country in the World
• Family of Four Moves Next to Bomb Factory, Surprised by Frequent Explosions
• Top Ten Moving Tips
• AXE Body Spray Is Vile vs As an Alpha Male, AXE Body Spray Is My Life
• Students to Graduate
• Tennessee Students to Start Concealed Carrying
• UCLA Invites Dick Cheney for Commencement Speech
• Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily
• Top Ten Similarities Between Graduating and Being Born
• I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest
• DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’
• The MQ’s Cat Boutique
• Top Ten Ways to Become Humble
• I Must Return to the Real World
• HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown
• Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill
• SkyMqll Special Issue
• Biden Delivers Unique State of the Union
• IRS Debuts ‘Ultimate’ Form
• Clocks Fail to Change for Daylight Saving Time, No One Notices
• Alabama Embryologists Adopt 873 Children
• Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
• UCSD’s New Mental Health Initiative Is ‘Queering the Male Loneliness Binary’
• Department of Music Announces New Concert Series
• Chancellor Khosla Announces New Evil Department
• Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
• Las Vegas Consumed by Plague of Moths
• CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
• I Need Coding Help vs What, Like It’s Hard?
• UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment
• Word Search for Inner Truth
• Top Ten Reoccurring Nightmares
• I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture
• Amazon and Boeing Announce Joint Microtransit Venture
• Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb
• TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy
• Top Ten Terms That Are Both Economic and Sexual
• Why I Think Leprechauns Aren’t Real
• Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery
• Last S Spot Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site
• Carlton’s Column for Clowns, Jesters, and Fools
• HDH Enacts Quarterly Speed Dating Trials
• Coca-Cola Unveils New Ad Campaign to Kill the Polar Bears
• The MQ’s Spring Break
• Ursa Missing: The Case of the Stolen Statue
• The MQ Catches a Leprechaun
• Suspicions
• Top Ten Alternatives to the Mail System
• We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’
• SIO Researchers Discover Godzilla off La Jolla Coast
• Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement
• UCSD to Introduce Mini-Triple Rooms
• Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires
• US Military Tours Homeless Encampments for Career Exploration
• Teamwork
• Biblical Scholar Bakes Angel Food Cake
• Top Ten Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty
• UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm
• Amazon Buys the Catholic Church
• Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas
• Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’
• Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River
• UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads
• NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
• Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’
• In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®
• Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
• White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines
• Disney Is a Striking Example of the Proliferation of Capitalism vs Fuck You, I’m Mickey Mouse
• UCSD’s Campus Is Poorly Designed and Hard to Use vs The Only Thing That’s Hard Is All This Concrete
• How to Break Up with Someone
• The MQ’s Wisdom Teeth Extraction Fits
• Top Ten Romantic Gestures
• Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly
• How to Sports Bet Your Way into Millions of Dollars
• College Football Announces New Fan Voting System for Playoffs
• New Genre of Music Emerges
• Latest Apartment Listing
• Top Ten Similarities between Taking a Midterm and Climbing a Mountain
• Please, Just Let Me Live in the Future
• Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate
• Read Me Like One of Your French Books
• Top Ten Unconventional Parking Spots
• Tesla Is the Future of Accessibility vs. How Do I Open These Fucking Doors
• Disney Copyrights ‘Everything’
• Man Gets What He Wants by Wishing upon a Star
• MOM’s Adopts a Child
• UCSD Implements Official Land Acknowledgment ‘Thanks to ChatGPT’
• Top Ten Deadly Sins That Didn’t Make the Cut
• Technology Is So Cool. I Can’t Wait to Live In the Future! vs. Please Leave the Doctor’s Office; Your Subscription to Amazon Health Has Expired
• iPads Mandated in UCSD Classrooms
• Local Gamer Embarks on ‘Relationship Nuzlocke’ to Legalize Polyamory
• Infiltration
• UCSD Needs to Increase Awareness of Mental Illness vs UCSD Makes Me Very Aware of My Mental Illness
• ChatGPT Caught Cheating on Student
• New Car Headlights to Be Replaced with Floodlights
• Dear Emily Queue: Leap Day Edition
• Top Ten Gifts We Returned
• MYTHQUSTERS
• The MQ From an Alternate Timeline
• New Candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District Announced
• Psychoanalysis Wrapped — Your Top Armchair Diagnoses in 2023
• UCSD Transportation Services Debuts Airline
• Rocket Launch ‘Went Perfectly’
• UCSD Announces Plan to Become Carbon Neutral
• UCSD to Replace All Footpaths with Scooter-Only Lanes
• Goodnight Moon Challenged in Schools After Debate Regarding Moon’s Existence
• Humans Declared Critically Endangered by ‘Guy Who Can’t Get Laid’
• UCSD Introduces Productivity Pods to Help Students Study
• Rats Unionize
• LaCroix Announces New Boxing Day Hotdog Eating Competition
• Every Time a College is Opened, a Provost Gains its Wings
• Dining Hall Workers Can’t Serve for Shit vs. We Serve Cunt
• New Sports Announced for LA Olympic Games
• Supreme Court Announces Decision: Gerrymandering Must Be Done by Impartial Artist
• Cat Takes Shelter Inside Fridge
• Man on the Hunt for Turkey
• The MQ’s Five Minute Craft
• The MQ’s Horoscopes for December
• The MQ Presents: PROCEDURE
• The MQ Plants a Garden
• The MQ’s Day at the Theme Park: Gubboland!
• Top Ten Ways to Dodge the Draft
• Happy 40th Birthday to the Stuart Art Collection! vs What Even Are All These Weird Pieces of Art?
• University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
• We Love and Respect All of Our Students vs I’m Homeless
• Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead
• Top Ten Expensive Things to Do in San Diego
• One TA Can’t Possibly Grade it All vs. It Builds Character
• HDH Announces Tactical Operations to Track Down Missing Dining Hall Dishes
• It Takes Forever to Get Anywhere Because of the Construction vs. In My Day, We Walked Uphill Both Ways
• Frasier Reboot Meets Expectations
• You Are Not Snow White vs Tell That to These Fucking Ravens
• Top Ten Winter Sports
• I Give Up — The Next Global Disaster Will Be Too Weird to Predict
• UCSD Begs Students to Have More Sex 
• Top Ten Ways to Eat Enough Vegetables
• Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It vs. Mold Actually Makes You Smarter If You Sniff Enough of It
• Eucalyptus Grove Marches on Geiselgard
• Top Ten First Date Activities
• UCSD Student Begins New TikTok Gym Trend: ‘Deathmaxxing’
• UCSD Buys Seaworld to Expand SIO Research
• MTS Exclusive Offer Was Available October 1–30 ONLY
• UCSD to Convert Individual Parking Spaces Into ‘Housing Solutions’
• Australia Loses War to Emus Again
• Conan O’Brien Returns as Sixth College’s Namesake
• Red Angels Drum Corps Raises Member Fees
• 2,300 Waitlisted Students to Be Housed in Open Pit on RIMAC Field
• San Diego Named Least Expensive City to Live in the U.S.
• UCSD Introduces Temu’s ‘Just Walk In’ Technology After Issues Arise With Amazon’s ‘Just Walk Out’
• Chuck E. Cheese Denies Five Nights at Freddy’s Connection after ABduction
• My First Bonfire Wasn’t as Magical as They Said It Would Be
• New Determinism Movement Sweeps Through Campus
• Recall Notice
• The MQ’s Guide to Dark Magic
• The MQ Runs For President
• Top Ten Things We Put in Halloween Candy This Year
•  Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death
• UCSD to Become Religiously Affiliated University: ‘All Hail the Warren Bear!’
• It’s Not Hazing vs I Can’t See Anything in This Fog
• Top Ten Things to Carve (Other Than a Pumpkin)
• Ask Emily Queue: Eco-Friendly Halloween
• SPIN’s Walled Scooter to Revolutionize Campus Commute
• New Nobel Prize Category Announced
• Top Ten Ways to Limit Your Screen Time
• What Hath God Wrought Gains Sentience, Nobody Notices
• Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft
• Revelle Adds HUM 5BL: Applied Practical Humanities
• Geisel Wormhole Claims Over 1,200 Students, Solving UCSD’s Housing Crisis 
• UCSD Lifts Undergraduate Laboratory Safety Protocols
• The Mobile Ordering System on Campus Is an Unstable Nightmare vs The Triton2Go System Works  Perfectly, You’re Just Being a Baby
• Costco Begins Selling Gilded Gasoline, Celebrated by Members for ‘Unbeatable Bargain Price’
• UCSD Monetizes Course Enrollment
• Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown
• No, Don’t Buy That Compression Shirt
• Top Ten Bus Commute Tips
• Man ‘Halfway’ to Fluency Through Mahjong Playing
• Top Ten Conversation Enders
• Student Sealed Away, Shredded, Thrown Into Ocean
• Local Man Buys Clown Shoes,Insists He is “Not A Clown”
• Personal Carbon Electrolyzers May Solve Climate Crisis
• RIMAC to Replace All Dumbbells With Shake Weights
• Inedible Arrangements CEO Becomes World’s First Trillionaire
• Home Chef Invents Three-Day PB&J Recipe
• What Kind of Roommate are You?
• UCSD Offers First Quantitative Sheep Studies Course
• Mutated Sea Life Takes Over Coast Following Japanese Release of Treated Radioactive Water
• The MQ’s Collection of Summer Souvenirs
• Elon Musk’s Baby Name List Leaked
• Citing Inflation, UCSD Switches Quarter System to Dollar System
• The MQ Designs a Barbie
• Lightning Union to Strike During October Solar Eclipse
• Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”
• Why Can’t I Find a Relationship
• How to Always Win Your Fantasy Football League
• Baskin-Robbins announces 32nd flavor
• Do you like this cake?
• The MQ’s Guide to Birdwatching
• In My Garage
• Top Ten Things to Judge a Fish By
• Grades Inflate, Society Crumbles
• ExxonMobil Claims Leaving Refrigerators Open Can Solve Climate Change
• Top Ten Things to Say When You’re Getting Your Photo Taken
• Price Center Plaza Looks So Good Now! vs Nothing Has Changed
• Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply
• La Jolla Coffee Shop to Require Three-Acre Land Ownership for Restroom Access
• Top Ten Things That Will Make You Feel Young Again
• We Have All Been Afflicted With a Curse
• Library Discovered to Be Full of Facts
• Top Ten Imperial Measurement Units
• More Wildfires Are Actually Great for Me
• My Study Abroad Experience Changed My Life and You’re Going to Hear About It Whether You Want to or Not
• Ninth College to Become UCPD’s New Training Center
• Top Ten Lesser-Known Reasons for Trump’s Indictment
• Allowing You to Ride Me for Free Doesn’t Mean I Want Your Sweaty Hands and Feet
• SPIN Scooters Unionize
• Top Ten Places to Post the Syllabus
• I Love Having Classes in Pepper Canyon vs ACHOO!
• NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season
• Bacteria Don’t Deserve to Be Experimented On vs They’re Not Fucking Animals
• “Alien Sexist” — Kerning Mishap Leads to “UF-aux Pas”
• DeSantis “Lost in Space” After Disastrous Second Campaign Re-Announcement
• Drake Performance SurprisesStudents at Sun God Festival
• Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter
• Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
• UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams
• US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin
• UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students
• Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth
• MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers
• Pluto Violates Subscription Terms, Loses Planetary Status
• UCSD Debuts Mini Quadruple Rooms to Address Housing Shortages
• UCSD Announces New Quantum Art Department
• Furries Don’t Belong at the Met Gala vs Meow
• UCSD Announces Plan for “Giant Space Laser” to Eliminate Bad Weather
• Mad Quibs: Coming Out Script
• Things You Didn’t Know Were Stuart Art Pieces
• Sculptor Tries Different Medium
• Nun Starts New Religion
• Local Chemist Feels Out Of Her Element
• Wanted: Our Missing Editors
• Top Ten Tips to Make Dishwashing More Fun
• We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food vs Hop In Comrade, We’re Seizing the Means of Production
• God Continues to Send Prophetic Dreams to Man Who Never Remembers His Dreams
• Susan Bagel – Banana Water
• GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk
• Professors Start Evaluating Students Through New GRADE Program
• Top Ten Collectibles
• Professional Sports Have Become Predictable
• Famous Star Canceled for Creating Nuclear Power Plant
• UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike vs. It’s the Year 2040
• What Hath God Wrought Has Been Spelling Out Something Else This Entire Time
• New LinkedIn Jobs Update Released: LinkedIn Cogs
• The MQ Pitches a Young Adult Novel
• Top Ten Things You’ll Miss About Campus
• Tom Cruise Is the Last Gen X Babygirl
• UCSD Reveals Sun God Is Pansexual in Celebration of Pride Month
• US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools
• La Jolla Village Square Parking Lot Replaced With “The Pit”
• Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month
• Top Ten Ways to Generate Passive Income
• Life Is Horrible, but I Have a Little Drink
• Top Ten Beach Activities
• Back Ad – Dyson Womanizer
• Fashion
• Retropolitan
• Manthropology
• How Puss in Boots Inspired Me to Try Online Dating
• My Boyfriend Hates My Sex Playlist
• Werewolf Woman: The Invisibility of White Femininity
• What’s your weekend personality?
• Interview – Eleanor Rosewater Carnegie
• Astrology – Your Whorescope
• Health
• Pop Cult
• March Madness Shortens Format To Draw in Younger Audience
• UCSD Athletics Pivots to Rotisserie Chicken Eating
• Vending Machine Haunted By Malevolent Sprite
• Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze
• STEM Major discovered Eating at Roots
• UCSD Implements M.R.S. Degree to Increase Number of Women in STEM
• International Community Marks 50 Years Since WHO Pandemic Declaration
• AI Chatbot Releases “Machine Yearning” Update
• Target Announces Ides of March Pride Collection
• Seventh College Installs Decorative Solar Panels
• Student Awaits Punishment for “Bathroom Grinding”
• Google Lays Off Entire In-House Circus
• How Depleted Uranium Could Solve the World Hunger Crisis
• Goodyear Blimp Grounded Indefinitely 
• The MQ Creates a Breakfast Cereal
• The MQ Files Taxes
• Top Ten Self-Help Books
• Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines
• Top Ten Places to Conceal Yourself in Hide and Seek
• Organic Chemistry Is Made Up
• U.S. Government Pledges Three Million in Thoughts and Prayers to Türkiye and Syria for Earthquake Relief
• Lab-Grown Orange Sales Skyrocket After Blood Orange Controversy
• The MQ Designs the Eighth College Curriculum
• Top Ten Substitutes for Buttermilk
• Eighth College Named
• Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow
• Top Ten Things to Put in a Time Capsule
• People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard
• Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance
• Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers
• The MQ’s Science Fair Project
• U.S. Lifts Regulations Around Public Works Projects
• UC San Diego Bans Sale of Caffeinated Beverages
• Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy
• Top Ten New Pasta Shapes
• Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record
• UCSD Chemists Abandon IUPAC in Favor of “Making Shit Up”
• Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral
• The MQ’s Guide to Home Decor
• Top Ten Ways to Prevent Scurvy… Arrr!
• Farmer’s Produce Runs Away
• Elephant Evades Poachers
• China Claims Balloon originated from “Large Birthday Party”
• Scientist Reveals Days Are Only Going to Get Shorter
• TikTok Where Creator Points to Text Has Great Relationship Advice, Actually
• Local Student Stops Getting Gas, Car Still Runs “Just Fine”
• Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums
• Horticulturists Discover Blue Pepper
• Costco to Offer Medication Samples
• Biden Declares Bose-Einstein Condensate the New State of the Union
• Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023
• Doctoral Student Submits Thesis, Promises to Have Time for Other Things Now
• Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from “Click” Starring Adam Sandler
• Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements
• The MQ’s Spring Olympics
• What’s Your Love Language?
• Top Ten Things to Tell Your Barber After They Cut Your Hair
• Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Stroller
• Top Ten Fastest Ways to Get to School
• I’m Finally Speaker of the House vs. You Are a Spineless Fool, Your Days are Numbered
• Nicolas Cage Inspires Worship at Sun God
• The MQ’s Book of World Records
• California Storm Drain Systems Augmented with Parched Clowns
• Chancellor Khosla “Surprised” to Find Classified Documents in Office
• You Missed Out on Something Really Cool Last Night vs. You Are a Failure
• Local Man Makes New Year’s Resolution to Become Worse in Every Way Possible
• Members of Pink Floyd Lose Almost Every Brick in the Wall Following FTX Collapse
• The MQ Goes to the Year 1023
• Top Ten Things That Happen Every Time You Blink
• If You Really Think About It, Life Is Just a Game as a Service
• Physicists Run Out of Greek Letters
• Student Debt Relief to Be Distributed via Ticketmaster Verified Fan Presale
• Horoscopes for February 8, 2023
• Avatar: The Way of Water to Be Re-Released in 192 One-Minute Segments on YouTube Shorts
• The MQ’s Booth at the Flea Market
• Top Ten Things to Do by Yourself on Valentine’s Day
• This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet vs. Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950!
• Top Ten Cure-Alls
• I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You
• “House Hunters” Renewed
• Local Dog Retrofitted to Learn New Trick
• Professor Shows Subway Surfers Gameplay Videos During Lecture
• Qatar Imports Polar Ice Cap to Combat Excessive Heat at World Cup
• LinkedIn Announces Short-Form Video Service
• Climate Activist Throws Taco Bell Food Items at Sun God, Students Rejoice
• Butter Flavored Vape Creates New Disease, Movie Popcorn Lung
• Leaked Internal Twitter Memo States that Elon Musk “Has No Idea What He’s Doing”
• HDH Recruits Gordon Ramsay to Fix Their “Kitchen Nightmares”
• The MQ Redesigns the Food Pyramid
• UC on Day seven of Not Understanding the Point of a Union
• “Khosplayers” to Storm Comic-Con
• Donald Trump Returns to Twitter, Saves the Platform
• Study Reveals That It Can’t Get Worse
• Susan Bagel: Bread
• UCSD to Sell Triton2Go Boxes as Christmas Presents for Future Biologists
• Top Ten Things We Put on Our Charcuterie Board
• Throwing Food on Paintings Is an Ineffectual Protest vs. It Makes the Paintings Taste Better
• Professor Branches Out to Streaming Professionally After Lecture Recordings Succeed
• SPIN Scooter Claims First Life at UCSD Campus
• Förlåt Svenskar
• Student Explodes After Discovering They’re An Extra on The Truman Show
• Congress Announces a Bipartisan Skincare Line
• Top Ten Driving Distractions
• It’s Not a Phage, Mom
• UCSD Announces New “DILF”-Focused Research Center to Promote Equality
• The MQ’s Budget-Friendly Christmas
• Top Ten Ways to Make Yourself Fall Asleep at Night
• Return Black Friday to Its Roots
• Scientist Evolves to Eat Microplastics, Becomes World’s First Human 3D Printer
• Netflix Responds to Criticism of Jeffrey Dahmer Series by Lengthening Show’s Title
• Top Ten Things to Do for Good Luck on Your Finals
• Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! vs. All Families Deserve to Be Fed
• Scientists Discover Long-Lost Thanksgiving Music
• ITS Announces Hiring of Carrier Pigeons to Improve ResNet Speeds
• New Spin Vehicle Coming to UCSD
• New Apple Variety Developed
• Domino’s Announces New Delivery Service
• UC Regents Offer to Pay Student Researchers in Dining Dollars
• Starbucks’ Holiday Cups Cost Extra This Year
• Ticketmaster CEO to Open New Company: Masterticket
• Top Ten Band Names
• Critics Claim Lettuce Truss’ Political Career Is “Salad” After Resignation
• Local Ghosts Tired of Recent Ghost hunter Paparazzi Boom
• Netflix to Split All of Its Content Into Smaller Channels
• Cabal Controlling Rotten Tomatoes Outed After “Black Adam” Release
• Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins
• UCSD Dining Hall Hires Skeleton Crew
• Local Man Discovers He, Too, Has Hormones
• Vampire Appreciation Club Promotes Dress Code Change
• Ninth College Construction Hits Rock Bottom
• Volkswagen Tries to Recall Cars
• Restaurant Debuts Reverse Foods
• Prop MQ: High-speed Railway from Fresno to Bakersfield
• Mobile Stationery Causes Confusion
• UC Regents To Begin Recycling Students
• The Padres Blow It Again
• Boris Johnson Reelected as U.K.’s Next Prime Minister, Resigns
• Top Ten Cheap Halloween Decorations
• President Dreám Announces Face Reveal
• Student Fakes Her Own Death to Avoid Jury Duty
• The MQ Creates a D&D Character
• Academic Integrity Violators Sent to Boingo’s Bathhouse
• Disney Announces Yet Another Muppet Movie
• Top Ten Things Your Orientation Leader Forgot to Mention
• Competitive Eating Is Good for the Economy
• Italy Elects Mussolini’s Reanimated Corpse as Prime Minister
• Local Christians Claim Halloween as a Precursor to Christmas
• Horoscopes
• UCSD to Repaint Geisel Lobby After Redesign Blinds Students
• Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk
• The MQ Goes to a Haunted House
• filtr.
• Top Ten Uses for Your $200 Textbook
• Cells Have Feelings, Too
• Angry Local Politician Hates American Education System, But Not for the Same Reasons as Everyone Else
• Ask Emily Queue: College Relationship Edition
• Top Ten Questions Even the Riddler Can’t Answer
• I Think I’ll Be a Witch for Halloween This Year vs. Thou Art a Wretched Sinner, Utterly Unworthy of God’s Love
• The MQ Hits the Gym
• Top Ten Bumper Stickers
• Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics
• UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College
• Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”
• Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother
• Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service
• Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”
• Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels
• Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones
• When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie
• Local Chef Opens New Restaurant
• The MQ Shares Their Summer Intern Experience
• We Asked Two of Our Smartest Friends How to Succeed in College
• Top Ten Sign-offs for Emailing Your Professors
• “The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great” vs. “So Make Something Better”
• Khosla Announces Partnership with Saudi Arabia to Bring “The Segment” to UCSD Campus
• AI-Generated Images to Replace All Art Ever by 2024
• The MQ’s Guide to the Royal Family
• Ask Emily Queue – Sports Edition
• Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”
• Pirate Parrots Display “Matey Dance”
• Roommate Wanted
• Local Horse Opposes Affordable Housing Development in Neighborhood
• Top Ten Things the FBI Found in Mar-a-Lago
• The Wheels of Comedy Central Are Turning
• Triangle-cut Pizza: The Story of Success Taken Away
• CHIPS and Science Act Relieves Salsa Surplus
• SHEIN Starts Selling Clothing Made of Antimatter
• Scarecrows to Be Used to Alleviate Teacher Shortage
• Map of Campus
• New False Memory Service Helps Users Pad Their Resumes
• Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated
• Fantasy Football Punishment Ends With Three in Jail
• British Currency Depicts Prince William Instead of King Charles III
• San Francisco Giants Could Still Make the World Series
• SeaWorld Files Defamation Suit Against Disney
• New Students Incorrectly Pronouncing RIMAC
• Susan Bagel: Soup
• Geisel Renovation to Include New Crying Booths in Response to Rising Mental Health Concerns
• Study Finds New Sixth College Students Don’t Know How Good They Have It
• UCSD Cracks Down on Students Squatting in Unfinished Eighth College
• Sunny G Found Wearing CAPEs
• The U.S. to Start Broadcasting All Court Proceedings Following Popularity of Heard-Depp Trial
• Statistics Show Alaskans Have Better Love Lives
• Local Parents Welcome Another Child Into Their Family
• UCSD Fourth-Year Refuses To Admit She Has Peaked
• For Local Frog, “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”
• Chemist Discovers First Base
• The G-Nome
• You Can Enjoy Your Summer and Relax Vs. No You Can’t, You Have 1000 Things to Do and You Need to Finish Them by Tomorrow
• Susan Bagel: Meringue
• Top Ten New Ways to Generate Clean Energy
• It’s Not Easy Being White
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• The Pride Flag
• Top Ten Things That Aren’t Getting Enough Attention Right Now
• Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”
• Things are Starting to Change and I Don’t Like It
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• Is it Ever Okay – Kettle
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• Arctic Circle Restaurant Review – The Bat
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• Chicago Restaurant Review – The Deepest Dish
• Chicago Restaurant Review – Chicag-stop and Enjoy My Lovely Falafel
• Chicago Restaurant Review – Swampy’s
• Every Time You Break Spaghetti to Fit It in the Pot, An Italian Grandmother Dies
• Remy – Rat Chef
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• Away
• Basically
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• Yes, I Am, in Fact, God.
• Student Studying Abroad in the Netherlands Accidentally Sent to the Nether
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• Top Ten Things We Keep in the Junk Drawer “Just in Case”
• The End is Near! vs No, It’s Just Acid Reflux.
• March Madness Turns into March Insanity
• UCSD Crane Replaced By Bird
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• Crossword Answers (secret!!!)
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• Will you help Him?
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• The MQ Goes on a Quest
• A Glimpse into the MQ in the Year 3022
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• UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number
• Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media
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• Ask Emily Qupid
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• The MQ’s Secret History
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• Top Ten Songs from Musk the Musical
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• Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu
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• On-Campus Housing Regresses to Phase Zero
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• Okay, Fine, I Still Haven’t Seen Squid Game
• UCSD Announces Virtual Classes To Be Held in the Metaverse
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• Tennis Novice Wins First Game
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• TikTok Songs in Dining Halls Make Customers Prone to Involuntary Fits of Dancing
• UCSD to Launch New Subscription Based Wifi Service
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• Wall Street Grows Tired of Betting Against the Livelihood of Working Class People, Begins Betting Against Working Class’s Lives Directly
• In Resolution of Third Strike, 64 Employees Receive Conciliatory Turkey
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• To Anna, The Girl In Front Of Me Who Stole My Joke In York Hall
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• Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs
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• Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread
• UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs
• Local Gnomes Open Restaurant
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• Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today
• World Renowned Chef Eats His Words
• Welcome To: “THE META UNIVERSITY XPERIENCE”
• Injuries Sustained After Ice Rink’s New “No Skates Saturday” Deal
• Susan Bagel: Gingerbread
• Ask Emily Queue
• Nasa Launches Cat-based Lunar Module
• Nasa Launches Cat-based Lunar Module
• New Summer Toy!
• The MQ Gets Left Alone
• The MQ Goes to “The Races”
• Top Ten Cybernetic Enhancements We Put On Our Body
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• Sun God Weeps During Finals Week
• 1,000 Dead in the War on Christmas
• I Got Salmonella From UCSD Dining Halls vs. We Don’t Even Serve Salmon!
• It’s Too Soon to Start Playing Christmas Music vs. I Never Stopped
• UCSD Gets Railed by Blue Line Extension
• Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”
• Statisticians Create New Phe-Nominal Scale for Extra Special Data Points
• President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral
• Lucky Student to Receive Full Ride Scholarship After Participating In Series of Challenges
• UCSD Creates New “All Holiday Week” for Convenience
• Wastewater Detection Systems Find Baby in Sewers After 2018 Masturbation-in-Shower Epidemic
• New Study Reveals Why All the YouTubers You Liked as a Kid Are Now Anti-Vaxxers
• Developer Builds Houses That Come Pre-Haunted
• UCSD Chem Majors Have a Thanksgiving Feast of Chemicals
• Facebook Whistleblower Reveals the Internet is Still a Giant Cesspool
• Ancestors Hear my plea
• UCSD Implements Inclusivity “Mxndate”, Enforces Binary “Mxntality”
• Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest
• Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor
• Khosla Releases New “Crypto And Kitchen Exchange” Plan to Replace Dining Dollars
• Surfer Crashes After Catching Wave That Was Also a Particle
• Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization
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• Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials
• Ask Emily Queue
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• The MQ Rates All the New Dishes HDH Introduced to Save Money
• Asshole Printer
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• The MQ Gets Bought Out in a Hostile Takeover
• OH NO! The MQ is a Scary Movie!
• Unique Curses to Wish Upon Your Enemies
• Top Ten Couples Costumes
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• Top Ten Classes You Didn’t Know You Could Take at UCSD
• Man Horrified to Find That He Now Operates Under Looney Tunes Physics
• Aggressive Hurricanes Battle for the Right to Destroy Gulf Coast
• Anti-defamation League Champions New Era of Kindness
• What College Are You In? vs. Who Cares?
• Defaced Lecture Hall Causes Quantum Controversy
• RA Expecting to Bust a Party Accidentally Busts a Lecture
• Fighter Jet Flyovers of Campus to Increase
• U.S. Successfully Withdraws from Afghanistan: “The Pull- Out Method Wins Again”
• UCSD Invests in Alarm Clock System Disguised as Construction
• Theology Professor Criticized for Requiring Students to Buy Bibles with Access Codes
• Students Move Into Empty Classrooms to Overcome the Housing Crisis
• Local Goth Dancers Protest the Removal of Rave Bridge
• Researchers Prove Center Hall Chairs Combat Student Sleeping Epidemic
• UCSD Wins Rights to Build Ninth College Atop Gliderport Parking
• All Dining Dollars Converted to Triton Cash: Students Feast in Laundry Rooms
• Disney Announces New LGBT Show, No Queer Characters Planned
• UCSD Announces “Bold, Firm” Plan to Decarbonize “by the Time the Earth is Swallowed by the Sun”
• UCSD Campus Police Crack Down on Post-It Art Returns to Stop and Frisk
• Random Passerby Crowned “King of the Met Gala”
• Fraudulent Blacksmith Forges Sword
• La Jolla Family Rents Out Doghouse to UCSD Student Amidst Housing Crisis
• Ben Platt Reveals His Secret to Staying Young
• Neck to see you -_-
• Clown Costumes Moved to Sexy Section of Spirit Halloween
• UC Regents Evacuates UCSD, Raccoon Insurgency Rises to Power
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• Dear Evan Hansen, I’m Scared
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• Get Involved!
• Like My Chicken How I Like My Fish:
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• Blue’s Clues Detective Business Fails
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• Local Crypto-Entomologist Finds a Bug in His Code
• UCSD to Give Out Commemorative Tents to Students as a Solution for the Housing Crisis
• LEGO US Releases Nation Building Sets, Parts Recalled for Injuring Future Generations
• New Sticky Notes Sell Out After Gaining Massive Hype
• Raccoon Cult Offers UCSD Students Secure Housing
• San Diego Vaccination Site Incentivizes Vaccine with Barrels of Funfetti Frosting
• UCSD Turns Class Selection Process Into a Gacha Game
• Local Gamer Releases Manifesto on Video Game Monetization
• UCSD Spam Quarantine Email Name to be Changed “Out of Respect” for Past Events
• Agricultural Revolution Erupts from Horse Dewormer Shortage
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• Susan’s Foolproof Bagels
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• “Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement
• Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors
• Wizards of the Coast Announces New D&D Book: The Curse of QAnon
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• [PLAYABLE GAME] Admiring Art: Love on Library Walk
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• Rising Sea Levels Threaten Minecraft’s Coasts
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• Nintendo Announces Fire Emblem: Chess
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• Nintendo Power Cover Page
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• Why did Wario bite me?
• Is Bowser Gay or Bisexual?
• Why is Rosalina so tall?
• Can Dr. Mario prescribe me Xanax?
• Can Mario grow a beard, or only a mustache?
• What is Professor Oak’s academic certification?
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• Touch the Sky in Pilotwings! Or Don’t! See if I Care!
• I Am the Gamer Who Doesn’t Understand Buttons: This Is My Story
• Apology Island: I’m Sorry for Cheating on Poptropica Speedruns
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• C’mon Gamers, Let’s Put the Gaming Back into This Gaming Platform!
• The Games With Everything You Could Want: Pokémon Leaks and Pokémon Rumors
• Hit The Forest Floor in Mating Dance Dance Revolution!
• Nintendo x Amazon Launches Wii Fresh
• Get Ready to Deadname Birdetta in the Long- Anticipated Captain Rainbow: Trans-formed
• What Faction Will You Choose in Halo 2?
• CD Projekt Red: “You Live in a Simulation. Our New Game will Prove it.”
• Check Out Advanced Breeding Techniques in Pokemon Emerald!
• Meet the Gamer that “Fucking Despises” Gamers
• E3 Delayed After Announcement for E4: “Innovating a Better, Faster, Smarter” Gaming Convention
• Nintendo Replaces Mario Karts with Electric Vehicles to Reduce Carbon Footprint
• See Your Favorite Nintendo Switch Games From a Whole New Position With the Newly Released Nintendo Top and Nintendo Bottom!
• Local Potter’s Business Booming After Hero Passes Through Town
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• Missed Quonnections
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• I’m the First Engineering Student Without a Superiority Complex: Here’s My Story
• Ache of the Hummingbird Muffin
• UCSD Builds New Student Parking Lot in Juneau, Alaska
• Daft Punk Self-Destruction in Desert Leads to Robot Strike
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• Local Pony Not Horsing Around
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• Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties
• The MQ Writes The Next Great American Novel (Better Versions of The Great Gatsby)
• Yes
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• Lady MistleQown’s Satire Pamphlet
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• Alexa? Teach me how to capture a woman’s heart. vs. Okay, here’s an article I found on “How to Capture a Woman, Murder her, and Sell Her Organs on the Black Market.”
• Reagan can Trickle Down on MY Economy
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• Gamestop Offers $5 Trade-in Deal for GME Shares
• Local Teen Girl Justifies New Years Party
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• Brave Viking Clan Invades US Capitol to Fight for Traditional Roots in Fascism and Control
• Local Women Gets New World Record on New Year’s Resolution “Any%” Speedrun
• Clam Unhappy, Despite Common Saying
• Popular Magician Questioned in Wife’s Disappearance
• “Dead Man’s Party” Re-Enters US Billboard’s Hot 100s as Biden Presidency Begins
• Discord Mods Confused About New Kitten Adoption Agency
• The MQ Makes a Picnic Date
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• The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day
• Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away
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• White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office
• Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog
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• The MQ Goes on a Slippery Slope of Illegal Acts After Violating Copyright Law
• The MQ’s Naughty and Nice List
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