November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Micah Gilbert


Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.Photo by Millie You In the wake of ousting Kevin …


RIMAC to Replace All Dumbbells With Shake Weights

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“These weights may suck, but at least I can make a protein shake with them,” said Jim Ratt.Photo by Millie You UC San Diego Recreation announced …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food vs Hop In Comrade, We’re Seizing the Means of Production

Written by: Micah Gilbert

Point: We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food Look, I know that we’re all getting annoyed at the fact that HDH always seems …

FeaturesOther Features

Pop Cult

Written by: Amit Roth, Micah Gilbert, Maddie Samaniego, Connor Betterly, Romella Sagatelian and Supriyaa Chordia

Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. …


Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“Why can’t I just use the letter ‘x’ to represent every number I have to spell? That would be so much easier,” remarked Calculus.Photo by Julia …


Organic Chemistry Is Made Up

Written by: Micah Gilbert and Madeline Mozafari

I simply cannot do it anymore. I cannot suspend my belief in the way of the world and pretend that I understand what the hell an …


China Claims Balloon originated from “Large Birthday Party”

Written by: Micah Gilbert

Last weekend, the United States military shot down a balloon suspected to be part of a Chinese espionage operation. When the balloon was first discovered over …


Members of Pink Floyd Lose Almost Every Brick in the Wall Following FTX Collapse

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“Hey Bankman-Fried, leave those kids alone,” said Money.Photo by Amit Roth The list of celebrities that have made public statements about losing significant amounts of wealth …


ITS Announces Hiring of Carrier Pigeons to Improve ResNet Speeds

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“My carrier pigeon isn’t helping at all. It built a ResNest in my dorm!” exclaimed one student.Photo by James Woolley In response to growing complaints, UCSD’s …