“Damn it… or is that too soon?” one student asked.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Since becoming the subject of much controversy after his alleged mishandling of the Gaza Solidarity Encampment, and continued disputes with campus unions, Chancellor Khosla has stepped down from his executive position after making a deal with the Devil. In exchange for power and paying off his “debts,” he has made plans to sell his soul to Satan. Upon doing so, the University is set to become an outpost of Hell and renamed the University of Hell, San Diego.
As part of the campus’ transition to new management, students can now make their own deals with Satan in exchange for academic benefits. One participant commented, “Now I can skip the middleman and directly sell my soul in return for my education. I doubt it’s worth much more than that, but at least I no longer have to worry about student loans.” Additionally, new job offerings on campus such as Hell Pit Operator, Bike Lane Walker, and Business Major have provided students numerous opportunities for employment. “I no longer have to worry about my degree in computer science stranding me in some oversaturated, sweaty market. Sure, my parents aren’t happy I’m working for Satan, but at least now I’m making middle-of-the-road money, have paid time off, I’m represented by a union and have something they’re calling… Demoncare? It’s certainly better than UC SHIP.”
According to University employees, Satan, soon-to-be Supreme Chancellor of UHSD, is “not actually that bad of a guy, once you get to know him.” Top researchers at the newly named Rady School of Evil Management have discovered that the best way to get the most out of both demon and human workers is to treat them well, and are promoting the “Don’t Beat Them, Join Them” initiative. “Everyone who works for me is well taken care of,” said Satan. “Just because it’s Hell doesn’t mean I should mistreat my workers. Do you have any idea how bad it is to deal with an unhappy demon? It’s bad for them, and frankly it’s just as much a bad look for me. I look forward to offering all UHSD students a chance to work in any of our exciting career fields, and in return, I will take… care of them. Forever.” Under the new administration, workers for the newly formed Demon Union Local 666 are promised a salary increase to $250,000 this year, a move union members are calling “the biggest win for union rights since FDR.” In addition, new contracts state that all professors at UHSD will make $170,000 this year due to the lower wage floor and the new initiative’s heavy focus on “Equality, at Any Cost.”
Some students have expressed concerns over the new changes. Third-year transfer student Kyle Phlutherly had signed a contract to live at the newly constructed Pepper Canyon West, but the neighborhood has now been converted into the “Hell Pit” for unknown reasons. “Look, I get it, man. Unions are great and all, and I’m really happy all the workers are getting representation, but some of these changes are out of control. I tried to complain about my housing being turned into an eternally screaming sinkhole filled with the damned souls of millions of landlords, and all they said was, ‘Join the Hell Pit Union or suffer at the many mouths of Xynxyndyr the Ever-Hungry,’ which really wasn’t helpful to me.”
Legal experts are unsure whether UHSD’s new regimen overrides existing American labor laws which bans supervisor unions. No firm has taken up the case, however, citing, “He’s Satan. We’re pretty sure we don’t want to get on his bad side.”
