Opinion

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People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard

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Wizards of San Diego, I come to you all with the most horrible problem I have ever faced in my short 200 years of existence. I …

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Organic Chemistry Is Made Up

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I simply cannot do it anymore. I cannot suspend my belief in the way of the world and pretend that I understand what the hell an …

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I’m Finally Speaker of the House vs. You Are a Spineless Fool, Your Days are Numbered

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Point: I’m Finally Speaker of the House As children, many Americans dream of being astronauts, ballerinas, or kings. However, we are a fickle nation — no …

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I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You

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I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by …

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If You Really Think About It, Life Is Just a Game as a Service

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I remember when the first arcades opened. My brother would spend hours in them, coming home late at night on an empty stomach after turning his …

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This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet vs. Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950!

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Point: This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet Every year, on a beautiful winter day, my family gathers for a day of festivities. A …

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You Missed Out on Something Really Cool Last Night vs. You Are a Failure

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Point: You Missed Out on Something Really Cool Last Night Last night was truly a sight to behold! As the sun began its fiery descent into …

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Return Black Friday to Its Roots

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If one more person disrespects the internationally-recognized holiday of Black Friday, I am going to lose it. The contempt when you dismiss this patriotic purchasing day …

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It’s Not a Phage, Mom

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I’m not doing this because it’s a viral trend! It’s not infectious, my friends haven’t caught it, and no one is putting me up to this. …

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Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! vs. All Families Deserve to Be Fed

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POINT: Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! Within a week of moving into my new home, it was evident to me that I had …