This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The school was holding their annual talent show when Simon Cowell arrived as a special guest judge for the event, which he later called “a remarkable display of mediocrity for disappointed parents.”

His appearance was met with mixed reactions from the student performers. Seventh-­grader Simone Cowelle said, “I was really excited at first, but Mr. Cowell is kinda weird in person. He kept making different faces into the cameras instead of looking at us. I had to walk on and off stage five times because the director said Simon didn’t look surprised enough.”

Eighth-grader Simón Cowhell shared a similar experience. “As soon as I got on stage, Mr. Cowell asked me why I wanted to win. I told him I didn’t know we could win. I was performing for fun. Then he cut the cameras and told me that my story wasn’t sad enough.”

At the end of the night, sixth-grader Scimon Cowbell was declared the winner when Cowell pressed the golden buzzer for his kazoo performance.