Politics
Morality ‘Solved’
“I might be a cicada without feelings, but the rational thing is that I still love Usha,” said Cicada Vance.Photo by Amit Roth After successfully capturing …
Chancellor Khosla ‘Draws Line’ at Censoring Hate Speech
TIMELY WARNING: Suspect suspected, call (714) 227-4834 if spotted.Photo by Amit Roth On May 6, the Office of the Chancellor sent out a school wide email …
New Gubernatorial Candidate Promises ‘It’ll All Get Better’
“We should be at brunch right now,” said one median voter.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Emerging from the “crowded” race for California governor comes another candidate intending …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
EPA Introduces ‘Sexy’ Mascots
“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a …
Pestilence
“These horsemen, they run very fast, faster than the horsemen of any other apocalypse,” Trump said. “Their hooves — they go clip clop clip clop.”Photo by …
FOX News Goes Extinct
“I quite like the soap-cutting videos,” one middle-aged woman said from a 24 Hour Fitness treadmill. “There’s no pronouns in soap.”Photo by Amit Roth & Jules …
White House Announces New Quarantine Guidelines
“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House …
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster
“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …
