November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II



Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.Photo by Millie You In the wake of ousting Kevin …


 Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death

Written by: Erica Rosslee

“Why bring in new blood when you can have old blood?” asked Jefferson.Photo by Millie You In response to criticism of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decisions …


Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.Photo by Connor Betterly On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced …


Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums

Written by: Millie You

“It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent.Photo by Sharon Roth Despite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents …


Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023

Written by: Bitsy Hsu

“Our company stands for ‘Taiwan Says ’Murica’s Cool!’” said the president of TSMC.Photo by Julia Wong In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a …


Student Debt Relief to Be Distributed via Ticketmaster Verified Fan Presale

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“2,000th in line? I know this pain all too well!” stated one fan.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, the U.S. Department of Education revealed that student …


Congress Announces a Bipartisan Skincare Line

Written by: Romella Sagatelian

“Wearing this skincare product makes me feel 40 years younger. I might even start voting Democrat again,” testified Senator McConnell.Photo by Julia Wong House Speaker Nancy …


Angry Local Politician Hates American Education System, But Not for the Same Reasons as Everyone Else

Written by: Karina Yu

“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.Photo by Maria Dhilla On October 3rd, Florida state representative Glenn Miller …


Italy Elects Mussolini’s Reanimated Corpse as Prime Minister

Written by: Jacob King

Last week, Giorgia Meloni, who was expected to become Italy’s first female prime minister, stepped down as head of the Brothers of Italy Party. Meloni made …


President Dreám Announces Face Reveal

Written by: Lucas Grimwade

This past week, the newly-elected president of L’manburg announced to his constituents that he would be doing a “face reveal” following the conclusion of his campaign. …