Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters

Written by: Dylan Towner

“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …


Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill

Written by: Victoria Ta

“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …


Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’

Written by: Millie You

“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …


Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …


Goodnight Moon Challenged in Schools After Debate Regarding Moon’s Existence

Written by: Ava D'Amore

“It’s time for us to say goodnight to the nefarious influence of this book,” said one parent.Photo by Millie You The string of conservative-led book bans …


Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown

Written by: Liv Gilbert

“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.Photo by Millie You In the wake of ousting Kevin …


 Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death

Written by: Erica Rosslee

“Why bring in new blood when you can have old blood?” asked Jefferson.Photo by Millie You In response to criticism of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decisions …


Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.Photo by Connor Betterly On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced …


Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums

Written by: Millie You

“It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent.Photo by Sharon Roth Despite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents …


Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023

Written by: Bitsy Hsu

“Our company stands for ‘Taiwan Says ’Murica’s Cool!’” said the president of TSMC.Photo by Julia Wong In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a …