Alberto Ruiz

Briefs

CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …

Briefs

NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …

Briefs

UCSD Buys Seaworld to Expand SIO Research

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On Tuesday, the Regents of the University of California allowed UC San Diego to buy the SeaWorld theme park for a price of $200 million to …

ArticlesCampusNews

Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“The selective service currently has an acceptance rate of 34.2%,” said General Khosla.Photo by James Woolley On Monday, UC San Diego revealed its plans to enact …

ArticlesLocalNews

Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.Photo by James Woolley In a new report from …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Why Can’t I Find a Relationship

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Things were looking up for me this summer. I hit the sweet seven-inch growth spurt every man in his early 20s yearns for, my socially debilitating …

ArticlesCampusNews

SPIN Scooters Unionize

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“I don’t feel like this strike is going anywhere,” said one scooter. “We’re just spinning in place.”Photo by Millie You As students return to campus this …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …

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Retropolitan

Written by: Jacob King, Jeannie Kim, Theo Erickson, Alberto Ruiz and Amit Roth

Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. …