Alberto Ruiz
American Dream Deported
“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located …
Matt Gaetz takes Sabbatical
Matt Gaetz, former-congressman-cum-suspect in a child sexual misconduct case, was recently asked to join the incoming Trump administration as Attorney General, but has since taken himself …
I Killed Journalism
I killed it. Yup… it was me. Every time I clicked on a Washington Post article and I was refused entry, I slowly held the pillow …
Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off
In accordance with the founding principles of the University of California, members of the executive commitee, including Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla, must defend their positions in …
Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities
Star of hit Disney Channel show Fairy Godmother, Alina Jay, has been spotted around La Jolla trying out a variety of careers. Meg, insider source and …
CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …
NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …
Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly
“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …
UCSD Buys Seaworld to Expand SIO Research
On Tuesday, the Regents of the University of California allowed UC San Diego to buy the SeaWorld theme park for a price of $200 million to …
Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft
“The selective service currently has an acceptance rate of 34.2%,” said General Khosla.Photo by James Woolley On Monday, UC San Diego revealed its plans to enact …
