Alberto Ruiz
Man Negotiates Best Ever Phone Plan
On Thursday, Billy Liverford broke the world record for “Best Ever Phone Plan” after spending five hours in a Verizon store. “It’s truly an honor, but …
Mucus Secretions Up
After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., …
UCSD Adds Mandatory Class
On Thursday, the Trump Administration granted the UC system $500 million in federal funds after it agreed to mandate all students take “Thought Equality 1: An …
UCSD Offers Baphomet Muscle Machine
“No pain, no Faustian gain!” said Aryn Gonzaga.Photo by Amit Roth Following a recent study revealing 64% of adults aged 18–24 are looking for easier ways …
Venture Capitalist Invest in Students
Following a “depressing” week for the stock market, venture capitalist firm SadeFirm has decided to invest in UC San Diego students. SadeFirm has been scouting campus …
Students Struggle With Dorm Heat
“Cool me down like you’re supposed to do,” said one student. “Sweat runs down my thighs.”Photo by Ezra Bihis As UC San Diego students move in …
Department of Education Opens UC Guantanamo Bay
“Why would I speak up? I’m not a student,” said one community member.Photo by Janice Kim On Tuesday, the Trump administration announced a commitment to a …
American Dream Deported
“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located …
Matt Gaetz takes Sabbatical
Matt Gaetz, former-congressman-cum-suspect in a child sexual misconduct case, was recently asked to join the incoming Trump administration as Attorney General, but has since taken himself …
I Killed Journalism
I killed it. Yup… it was me. Every time I clicked on a Washington Post article and I was refused entry, I slowly held the pillow …
