Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from top foreign military officials. “It’s been a long time coming,” said Leekey Johnson, CIA press correspondent. “These guys want attention and we want state secrets. Once they blow their load, it’s a nonstop torrent of all the classified information that burdens them.” However, there have been slips in the past, as Johnson recalled, “When we were first getting started in the 1980s, we had to upgrade our audio equipment after we misheard Saddam saying he had a ‘Weapon of Ass Destruction.’”

The program has been highly profitable for the CIA’s black budget; the agency plans to reinvest the annual surplus of $20 billion into an expansion involving mail correspondence that will target rural dictatorships. The call center is currently centered in Texarkana, Texas, which employs phone sex hotline veterans that were recruited by the CIA for their skills. “It’s a lot easier talking to these generals who just want to relax than those old Joes down the street who try to get the most bang for their buck by tugging their one-eyed snake before I can even get a word in,” said sex hotline veteran Veronica “Sweet Voice” Polpa.