Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful

Written by: The MQ

“Above all, UC San Diego prides itself on nurturing the health and well-being of our grass,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Liv Gilbert On May 6, Chancellor …


Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest

Written by: Jackson Conte

“Putting my name on buildings is basically retail therapy,” said Irwin Jacobs.Photo by Amit Roth Tense negotiations are underway regarding the naming rights for UC San …


UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’

Written by: Justin Xu

“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …


Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters

Written by: Dylan Towner

“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …


UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses

Written by: Amit Roth

“I finally learned what the inside of a black hole looks like,” said Katherine Cambpell. “I was rather disappointed to find out it was just a …


I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought

Written by: Chris Zhang

I’ve spent my entire life as a God-fearing professional onion chopper, and never in my life have I ever witnessed a drought last longer than my …


Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill

Written by: Victoria Ta

“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …


HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown

Written by: Janice Kim

“I still get food poisoning, but now I know exactly why,” said one student.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Triton2Go Mobile Order app has long been a …


I Must Return to the Real World

Written by: Katie Campbell

Beloved wizards and magicians of the greater San Diego area, it is time for me to hang up my hat and cloak in favor of the …


DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …