James Woolley
UCSD Student Uses School Health Insurance
“I’m really glad people are finally starting to use our resources!” said UC Health oozeologist Alexander Dribble. “We’ve seen an ∞% increase from zero to one …
Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse
The recent Cybertruck recall was described by Elon Musk as a “fuckstorm unlike any seen since the Titanic” in a company-wide email which, according to one …
Students to Graduate
“It’s great commencement is outside the unemployment office. Really saves time on my commute,” said graduating student Onion Ployable.Photo by Erica Rosslee and Jordan Whitlow After …
Susan Bagel: Asparagus
This spring at the grocery store, I held a bundle of asparagus in my hands and ran a finger down a sinewy length. I thought perhaps …
Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires
“Californians were happy that they had no more forest fires — before they all drowned,” said Future Senator Petrol G. Ascot.Photo by Julia Wong Chaos broke …
Carlton’s Column for Clowns, Jesters, and Fools
I get it, it’s easy to hate being a clown. We make people happy, until we don’t. We’re too much, too scary, too garish. We disrupt …
Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate
“We’re going to get a lot of coal this Christmas,” said Jolly McTinsel.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to focus group data from holiday retail giant Mallhark, …
UCSD Monetizes Course Enrollment
“You know, 90% of students quit pulling right before they get the class they want,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Julia Wong With Ninth College’s groundbreaking on …
Elon Musk’s Baby Name List Leaked
A recent wave of phishing attacks targeting X users has resulted in hundreds of thousands of mobile devices being compromised. Anti-phishing investigations speculate the hackers’ motivations …
More Wildfires Are Actually Great for Me
Okay, fine. I admit it. After watching my favorite vacation home go up in flames, there is no denying that climate change is real. Hopefully the …
