Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires


Written by: James Woolley

“Californians were happy that they had no more forest fires — before they all drowned,” said Future Senator Petrol G. Ascot.
Photo by Julia Wong

Chaos broke out in Congress last week when time travelers from the year 2130 teleported in mid-session, claiming to be House Representatives from the future. The men that arrived were dressed in shorts and Aloha shirts, which they explained were “required for the pre-travel orientation on the Hawaii Memorial Oil Rig,” which was built atop the islands after they were submerged by rising sea levels. The future Representatives were quick to explain that they had been sent back to stop impeding climate disasters “threatening the safety of shareholder property everywhere.”

The ensuing debate on whether or not to offer the time travelers seats in Congress lasted four straight days and included the longest filibuster in American history, which was delivered by Senator Bernie Sanders and lasted 32 hours and 19 minutes; it ended only after Senator Sanders became so dehydrated that he physically could not continue talking. This beat the previous filibuster record, set by Senator Strom Thurmond during the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1957, by almost exactly eight hours and resulted in Sanders taking Thurmond’s title of “Longest Winded” on the Congressional record wall.

In a statement released to the public after the four-day debate, Speaker Mike Johnson confirmed that the newly arrived time travelers would be allowed to serve as members of Congress. “Our term limits never expire in the forward direction, so there’s no reason they should expire in the backwards direction,” Speaker Johnson said. “Really, it’s only fair that we begin to gerrymander time as well as space. And no, the time travelers will not be taking any questions about any ‘future 9/11s,’ thank you very much.”

Since their arrival and subsequent acceptance into Congress, the time travelers have been outspoken against any investment into the rapidly growing green energy industry, claiming that the development of the sector will inevitably lead to “horrifying future disasters,” including unnatural fire tornadoes as a result of air currents generated by wind farms, reduction of marine habitats due to shrinking ocean levels, and loss of cancer biodiversity due to lower rates of melanoma.

The group was allowed to form the “Secure Future Committee,” which has since pushed for what they’ve called the “Grey New Deal,” a bill sponsored by future company ExxonShelvron. “ExxonShelvron has this country’s best interests at heart, which is why they developed time travel in the first place. The future friends of the company are all depending on us,” said Future Senator Petrol G. Ascot. When asked to specify who the “friends of the company” were, he responded, “All people are friends of the company. Like oil from a dipstick, our shareholders make the lives of Americans better as their wealth drips all over them.”

The most recently proposed amendment to the Grey New Deal would involve a new initiative to expand petroleum and fossil fuel usage across the nation, including reinvestment of all government carbon credits back into the fossil fuel industry. Additionally, sea levels would be allowed to rise in order to combat increasingly frequent and destructive wildfires along the coastline. The bill is expected to pass by a 332-213 majority.

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