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Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State

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“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …

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LaCroix Announces New Boxing Day Hotdog Eating Competition

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“The hotdog buns taste so much better now,” said Jack Peanut. “It makes me want to LaCry.”Photo by Julia Wong I n the company’s latest advertising …

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Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead

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“His heart thumpity-thump-thumped until it could thump-thump no more,” said one local child.Photo by Julia Wong Frosty the Snowman, a man made out of snow, was …

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Costco Begins Selling Gilded Gasoline, Celebrated by Members for ‘Unbeatable Bargain Price’

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“Panning is so last season. Hand me the siphon,” said one Costco member.Photo by Millie You This summer, Costco began selling 1-ounce pure gold bars online. …

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Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”

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“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.Photo by Amit Roth Mattel, Inc. has released a …

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Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month

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“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …

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US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools

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After two weeks of basic combat training, new BIB recruits will be expected to complete two weeks of intensive potty training.Photo by Amit Roth Over the …

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Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze

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“This cleanup is gonna be a Febreze!” exclaimed one Norfolk Southern Railway representative.Photo by Amit Roth On February 3, 50 cars in a 150-car train derailed …

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Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral

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“I thought Pepsi’s carbonation initiative would taste better,” said one customer. “I’m still a bit salty about it.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Pepsi has begun carbonating the …

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Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record

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“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …