National
Morality ‘Solved’
“I might be a cicada without feelings, but the rational thing is that I still love Usha,” said Cicada Vance.Photo by Amit Roth After successfully capturing …
Korea Implements K-Pop Idol Gamete Donor Program
“We’re going up, up, up!” said one sperm.Photo by Amanda Webber After a predictive model projected that the South Korean population will go extinct by 2030, …
Rumor Mills Shut down Nationwide, Gossip Majors Left Scrambling
“The Shrimp Jesus situation isn’t just crazy, it’s scandalous,” produced ChatGPT.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A record number of rumor mills have closed down operations nationwide, leaving …
‘Looksmaxxing’ Influencer Sternocleidomastoid ‘Famemaxxes’
“I wish someone looked at me the way Sterno looks at himself,” said Xbox user MuscleMaxxer208.Photo by Aidan Moran In recent months, adolescent male viewership of …
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
FED’s New Wealth Distribution Plan: Dropping Pennies Around Country
In homage to the long-standing tradition of picking up heads-up pennies found on the floor, the Federal Reserve System…
Cows Begin Producing Oat Milk, Cater to Queer Community
“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.Photo by Amit Roth In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
EPA Introduces ‘Sexy’ Mascots
“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a …
Pestilence
“These horsemen, they run very fast, faster than the horsemen of any other apocalypse,” Trump said. “Their hooves — they go clip clop clip clop.”Photo by …
