Aidan Moran
Students Trapped in Pokéballs Following Canvas Hack
RIMAC to be converted to fighting-type gym.Photo by Amit Roth On May 7, ShinyHunters, a self-proclaimed “white hat” cybercrime ring, compromised schoolwork platform Canvas. In additon …
FOX News Goes Extinct
“I quite like the soap-cutting videos,” one middle-aged woman said from a 24 Hour Fitness treadmill. “There’s no pronouns in soap.”Photo by Amit Roth & Jules …
UCSD Overhauls Remedial Math
“THWwACK,” said one anonymous ruler.Photo by Ariel Chen After a recent faculty report exposed “really scary” deficits in student mathematics preparedness, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla will begin …
WHERE ARE MY DESIGNER BABIES??? vs. Get More Creative
Point: WHERE ARE MY DESIGNER BABIES??? Prepping to be La Jolla’s best mother is no easy task. Our future princess Jadelynne has to be perfect — …
Elon Musk Apologizes to Elementary Schooler
As X and SpaceX’s increasing CO2 emissions contribute to the global climate crisis, prominent Xeeter and billionaire Elon Reeve Musk has come under fire for questionable …
Science Fairs Replaced With ‘Correlation Fairs’
“If you would consult, well, if you were to consult…umm,” said R.F.K. Jr. In an effort to introduce the American youth to the new government-wide policy of “science shortcuts,” the Department…
Insurance Companies Implement New ‘Arcanic’ System
“The witch said my cancer was ‘meant for me’?” said one UnitedHealth Group User.Photo by Ezra Bihis Responding to mass complaints about alleged A.I. use in …
