“The witch said my cancer was ‘meant for me’?” said one UnitedHealth Group User.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
Responding to mass complaints about alleged A.I. use in claim verification, insurance companies across the country are pivoting to a new system designed to ensure “even greater efficiency and accuracy than our darling Chat can provide.” Referred to as “Arcanic Intelligence Learning (AIL),” the new strategy involves using various modes of mystic divination to verify claims without needing to process and store large amounts of data, reportedly “saving time and money, as well as expediting user ensoulment.”
This past month, most insurance companies have edited their contracts to replace acts of God with acts of “Fate” to reflect the new “vibes-based” approach to coverage limits. To verify whether a claim is indeed an act of Fate, companies have turned to different forms of AIL. UnitedHealth Group recently laid off over 95% of their customer service team and shifted to hiring self-proclaimed “witches” from e-commerce platform Etsy to perform tarot reading sessions based on previously submitted user data and “powerful feelings.”
The witches “bring a nuanced analysis which could never be gleaned from a simple, factual reporting of their health needs,” according to one UnitedHealth Group spokesperson. One insurance claimant, Tom Higgins, seeking coverage for his insulin, received the Tower, signifying his need to “change his perspective.” His claim was rejected, and he was advised to seek alternative healing through mica crystals. Another claimant, Jeff Bezos, seeking care for a stubbed toe, received the Five of Pentacles which “highlighted his deep need” and prompted UnitedHealth to grant him over fifty thousand dollars. Though statisticians across the country have noted significantly increased rates of infectious disease and deaths related to chronic conditions, UnitedHealth Group defends the choice, as they have “saved big on server space.”
State Farm, by contrast, is implementing new “Booths of Mysticism and Consumerism,” where various corporate mascots deemed “public favorites” distribute “Oracle Cards.” State Farm has brought their booths to all forty-eight contiguous states, ensuring there is always one within a five-mile radius of any State Farm customer. To submit a claim, users only need to locate a booth and pay a fee of $200 to receive an instant reply. According to CEO Jon Farney, State Farm’s Oracle Cards also contain “cool advice and fun designs to keep [customers’] minds off their worries.”
Though its pioneering companies claim the AIL is “the future of insurance,” users have expressed major concerns. Regina Banks, whose house was flooded by a hurricane, submitted a claim with State Farm only to “get curb-stomped by some damn Jake-in-a-box,” receiving an Oracle Card that advised her to “go with the flow.”
Jean Guire, who submitted a claim with UnitedHealth for her fractured leg, is now in prison after pulling the Seven of Swords in her reading. Recounting her experience, she said, “So I tell this bitch I tripped down five concrete floors, and I’m grasping my leg in pain, actively bleeding through my bandages, mind you, and she still asks me to draw some damn card. Fine, whatever, I thought. Then she scrunches up her face like I stink or something, and says in this low, reedy tone, ‘The Seven of Swords, the card of deception. The deck knows you’re lying.’ Next thing I know, she’s slapping handcuffs on my wrists!”
Following what plaintiff UnitedHealth deemed “wholly irrefutable evidence,” Guire was found guilty of insurance fraud and sentenced to five years in prison. Companies like UnitedHealth responded to such complaints by claiming they were simply caused by “term misunderstanding” and are completely removing their appeals system in favor of a more “user-friendly” U.I.
Born of the verboten demicolon, Aidan stitches together phrases, appendages, worlds. He’s allegedly “connected things beyond your mortal comprehension” and plans to horizontally expand across the phylogenetic tree. Resulting from Virginia Woolf's "malign machinations," he has been banished to a lighthouse until he can create functional Icarian wings.
