On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of new experimental wellness pills called Soma, marketed as the “final panacea, extracted from the finest reptile grease.”
Huxley and his company rose to prominence last year after appearing on the podcast The Joe Rogan Experience, catching the attention of RFK Jr. and aligning itself with the Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) movement. RFK Jr. invited Huxley to a press conference at the White House to discuss Soma.
“The healthcare crisis is one of the most serious problems facing America,” said Huxley. “Our food is poisoned, chronic disease runs rampant, and good healthcare is unaffordable. Obamacare and Big Doctor profit from keeping Americans sick — HuxleyHealth was founded with the goal of bringing the average American healthcare of the caliber the [elite] have, the right way. Instead of offering a cocktail of drugs and ‘treatments’ healthcare ‘professionals’ offer, we created a solution to do it all: Soma. For the low, low price of $400 per month, you too can get the healthcare quality that the rich have access to!”
HuxleyHealth invited subjects who participated in the initial Soma trial studies to show that the drug was “the good stuff,” according to Huxley. The test subjects appeared “extraordinarily relaxed,” with “glazed-over eyes” and “placid smiles.”
“I am very happy with the results of SOMA,” said each test subject. “I feel very at peace. Nothing fazes me anymore. I am no longer worried about my health or my job. I now have leisure time to play electromagnetic golf and Riemann Surface Tennis. SOMA takes care of me. I am very happy with SOMA. I hope every American will soon take SOMA.”
According to the team of biochemists who synthesized Soma, the tablet “targets illnesses like the common cold, and also regulates your GLP1 levels, your glucose levels, your metabolism, your cortisol production, facial collagen, gut microbiome, free radicals, and joint swelling.”
Despite this, HuxleyHealth was criticized by other pharmaceutical companies as well as the American Medical Association, who claim that Soma has not been approved by any regulatory organizations. HuxleyHealth argued that conducting the necessary research to gain regulatory approval is “a symptom of the failing American healthcare system.” “They want us to wait around while they ‘conduct trials’ and ‘check for dangerous side effects’, while more people continue to get sick and die. We are Making America Healthy Again now, not Making America Healthy in five to ten business years,” said Huxley.
“Who cares about hypothetical ‘side effects’,” said Macy Nice, a mother and self-proclaimed “MAHA-ist.” “I’d rather take my chances and protect me and my children than have them succumb to illness that a doctor won’t treat!” According to Nice, she joined the MAHA movement after her husband’s passing after battling cancer.
“Everyone who takes Soma looks so happy and satisfied,” said another pro-Soma individual. “They don’t need to worry about having to take sick days off and what that might mean for their jobs. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, I need this. If I could eliminate illness, and be as carefree as people on Soma, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
A psychological evaluation of the Soma subjects revealed that they all rated themselves as “extremely happy and euphoric” and had “little to no concern about current political events, the wellbeing of others, or death.”
Although not “officially diagnosed,” “theoretical side-effects” that have maybe been observed in Soma users include, but are not limited to, cancer, nausea, fever, rashes, pink eye, hair loss, heart palpitations, absorption, oily skin, dry skin, changing political morals, lupus, and anxiety.
"Annelise" walked out of the sea thirty years ago and they have looked back multiple times since! When he is not writing and editing satire, she enjoys arts and crafts and taking long strolls on the MC Escher stairs.
