32.5
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
FED’s New Wealth Distribution Plan: Dropping Pennies Around Country
In homage to the long-standing tradition of picking up heads-up pennies found on the floor, the Federal Reserve System…
Cows Begin Producing Oat Milk, Cater to Queer Community
“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.Photo by Amit Roth In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
UCSD Gloving and Sliding Teams Duel in Revelle Plaza
“When you’re a glover, you’re a glover all the way,” said one glover. “From your firstcigarette to your last dying day.”Photo by Destiney Friday During a …
Muir to Undergo ‘Progress Initiatives’
“Wow, Sixth College is so big now,” said one student with a visible erection.Photo by David Muñoz On February 19, Muir College sent out an email …
Local Band Crystal Belles Amasses Triton Cash Fortune
Last month, local band Crystal Belles garnered an animated audience during an on-campus performance at UC San Diego. According to the university, while it has historically …
Second Iran War Scheduled for Q4 2028
Following the recent release of the controversial — yet popular — addition to the Gulf War Cinematic Universe, the Depart- ment of State revealed that the …
BORGmania Sweeps UCSD
As finals season approaches, a new trend has taken the campus by storm. “There’s just one question on everyone’s mind: to BORG, or not to BORG?” …
Emerald Fennell Threatens Literature with New Adaptation
Following the release of her polarizing Wuthering Heights adaptation, British director Emerald Fennell has confirmed that another adaptation based on a beloved classic is in the …
