Abby Offenhauser
Local Band Crystal Belles Amasses Triton Cash Fortune
Last month, local band Crystal Belles garnered an animated audience during an on-campus performance at UC San Diego. According to the university, while it has historically …
Muir College to Become Fifth Student Center
Last week, UC San Diego officials announced to the campus community via email that they were “getting bored” of their ongoing construction projects…
The Creature Is Coming
“Not everything is about politics,” said The Creature.Photo by Aidan Moran Over the past year, journalists, researchers, and monster-hunters across the United States have begun to …
Susan Bagel: Cinnamon Rolls
Cinnamon rolls are a time- consuming endeavor — one that requires a certain steeling of the soul. Nana Bagel reminded me of this time and time …
Man Achieves Fame and Fortune Following Nine-Paragraph-Long LinkedIn Post
“Sure, I can generate a caption for you!” produced Grok.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, newly “loaded” millionaire Michael Gates posted an extensive soliloquy on LinkedIn …
Local Student Adopts Dorm Woodpecker
This summer, Housing, Dining, and Hospitality issued the largest fine in university history to an unnamed Revelle student after the student left over 50 holes in …
My ChatGPT Girlfriend Just Gets Me
Her name is Lucy, and she understands me like no other woman does. I met her for the first time when I coded her into ChatGPT, …
Susan Bagel: Fruit Pizza
At the back of the recipe box in my kitchen lays a frayed recipe card for fruit pizza. The number of hands that have exchanged this …
Literature Department to Launch Pseudo-Philosophy Major
“This is sooo Orwellian and Kafkaesque,” Xeeted one student.Photo by Amit Roth In a department-wide email last Monday, the UC San Diego Literature Department announced its …
Local Student Receives 1500 On SAT, Says Mother
Local high school junior Geoffrey Patrick Anderson received a score of 1500 on his SAT last week. According to a news tip emailed to a local …
