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UC Regents Approves UCPD Request for 1,000 Rubber Ducks

Written by: Jordan Whitlow

“Somehow, the ducks have more training than the UCPD,” said fourth-year student Ana Platt.Photo by Jordan Whitlow At the University of California Regents meeting on September …

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UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile

Written by: Iris Hochwalt

“HDH is really covering all their bases with this allergen stuff,” said Shelly Fisher. “They’re even making all their silverware out of nickel!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …

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Marshall Student Gets ‘Just OK’ Haircut

Written by: Ethan Kim

“Get 11 haircuts and your 12th one is the same price as the other 11! Wouldn’t want youto stand out,” said one local barber.Photo by Liv …

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UCSD to Hold Crow-Killing Event for Halloween

Written by: Beth Becker

“Actually, I’m pretty sure these are ravens,” said ornithologist Richard Roper.Photo by Dylan Schmidt This Sunday, Vice Chancellor Alistar Ornth announced that UC San Diego would …

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Geisel Library Hours Cut to 27 Minutes Per Week

Written by: Erica Rosslee

According to a recent report, the number of books being borrowed from the library has remained unaffected.Photo by Liv Gilbert Effective this school year, UC San …

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UCSD Student Uses School Health Insurance

Written by: James Woolley

“I’m really glad people are finally starting to use our resources!” said UC Health oozeologist Alexander Dribble. “We’ve seen an ∞% increase from zero to one …

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Birch Aquarium to Partner with HDH to Recoup Losses During Renovation

Written by: Christopher Felix

“Some of these fish will kill you, but so would some other dining hall food,” saidFoodworx employee Jade Diaz.Photo by Erica Rosslee This month, Birch Aquarium …

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UCSD To Be Sold to Satan

Written by: Seán Hartnett

“Damn it… or is that too soon?” one student asked.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since becoming the subject of much controversy after his alleged mishandling of the …

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Scripps Institute of Oceanography to Annex Surrounding Beach Homes

Written by: Amit Roth

“Talk about trickle-down economics — my hardwood is ruined!” said one La Jolla resident.Photo by Amit Roth The Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO) annex of UC …

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Toxic Workplace Environments Perfect for Crop Growth

Written by: Janice Kim

The phrase “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” was found to be one of the most reliable fertilizers.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After world hunger was solved during Summer Session II, the …