November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II



UCSD to Convert Individual Parking Spaces Into ‘Housing Solutions’

Written by: Dylan Schmidt

“When I came back from my 8 a.m. class, some asshole had parked his Prius in my living room,” complained one resident.Photo by Amit Roth UC …


Conan O’Brien Returns as Sixth College’s Namesake

Written by: Janice Kim

The Conan O’Fryin barbecue began with a Cannon O’Brien 21-gun salute.Photo by Amit Roth After more than 21 years of sticking “passive-aggressive” Post-it Notes to their …


2,300 Waitlisted Students to Be Housed in Open Pit on RIMAC Field

Written by: Ava D'Amore

“I was born in the darkness. You were merely assigned it as a freshman,” said one fourth-year student.Photo by Amit Roth Earlier this week, it was …


UCSD Introduces Temu’s ‘Just Walk In’ Technology After Issues Arise With Amazon’s ‘Just Walk Out’

Written by: Erin Yao

“It’s supposed to be ‘walk in,’ not ‘drag out,’” said one customer.Photo by Julia Wong Starting this fall, UC San Diego  introduced a new way to …


Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.Photo by Millie You In the wake of ousting Kevin …


UCSD Monetizes Course Enrollment

Written by: James Woolley

“You know, 90% of students quit pulling right before they get the class they want,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Julia Wong With Ninth College’s groundbreaking on …


UCSD Lifts Undergraduate Laboratory Safety Protocols

Written by: Katie Campbell

“Now I can come to lab straight from Black’s Beach,” said Axident.Photo by Millie You Following a classified document leak last week, UC San Diego Environment, …


Geisel Wormhole Claims Over 1,200 Students, Solving UCSD’s Housing Crisis 

Written by: Annelise Mccullough

“I’ve been getting sucked into my studies like never before,” said one second-year student.Photo by Julia Wong UC San Diego is “still reeling” after Thursday’s “freak …


Revelle Adds HUM 5BL: Applied Practical Humanities

Written by: Sylvia Terry

“There’s an impressively large body of literature associated with this subject,” noted one Revellian.Photo by James Woolley A mid widespread dissatisfaction regarding the Revelle College general …


Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“The selective service currently has an acceptance rate of 34.2%,” said General Khosla.Photo by James Woolley On Monday, UC San Diego revealed its plans to enact …