Justin Xu
Gov. Newsom to Screen Homeless Population from Public View
“This is an outrage!” said one student. “Which soup kitchen will I get volunteer hours from now?!”Photo by Liv Gilbert Last week, California Governor Gavin Newsom …
Jake Paul Challenges Hospice Residents to Next Fight
After Jake Paul prevailed in his fight against former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, he left the ring with a message about his next match: “No old …
Sleeper Agent Refuses to Wake Up
Intelligence agent handler Sashley Sandler has been struggling to “wake up” Donny Joe, one of the sleeper agents under her jurisdiction. “He ignores me every time …
Convict Escapes from Prison by Completing Sentence
“He walked by the cop and the cop didn’t arrest him,” said local man Hale Mather. “Defund the police.”Photo by Amit Roth Recently, a wave of …
Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’
This year, wealthy parents in Beverly Hills are using a new method to scare their children into behaving. Instead of using classic monsters like the Bogeyman, …
SDPD Union Asks Public to ‘Stop Being Mean’
“Oh my god, an explosion! I wonder whose job it is to take care of that,” said one officer.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Last week, SDPD union …
Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down
Stand-up comic Dave Chappelle recently canceled all upcoming shows for the foreseeable future. “I woke up like I did any other day, thanking God for making …
UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’
“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …
Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …
US Military Tours Homeless Encampments for Career Exploration
This is an interesting conundrum,” said a member of the middle class. “I respect the troops, but I hate the homeless.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow This past …
