In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she studied organic chemistry on the first floor of Geisel. “I was worried,” said the bystander. “Not about her, but about me. I’m gonna have to sit a final with her, and the noise of her symptoms will ruin my focus optimization system. I heard someone say it’s ‘respiratory pink eye,’ but I don’t think eyes can breathe.”

However, nearby students didn’t report hearing anything, with one Shakes­peare performer Steven Even saying that their “self-generated auditory sphere of sickness and dread disease” drowned out any other noise. Even’s friend later clarified that “Steve was just coughing too loud to hear anything else. He says he has malingering melancholy, but I think it’s called walking pneumonia.”

Other library patrons have taken steps to reduce the chances of transmission. One student wiped down their desk with a dry Clorox wipe taken from a nearby sanitizing station. Another commented, “I’m not worried, I’ll just hold my breath for my entire four-hour cram session.” When asked for comment, Ngcough stated, “Can you worry about yourself? I’m just allergic to Steven’s cologne.”