La Jolla Coffee Shop to Require Three-Acre Land Ownership for Restroom Access

Written by: Theo Erickson

“Finally! A place where I can shit in opulence,” said one Sand&Foam guest.Photo by Amit Roth An upcoming amendment to the employee training guide of La …


Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.Photo by James Woolley In a new report from …


La Jolla Village Square Parking Lot Replaced With “The Pit”

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I love the pit,” said one Ralphs customer. “My 2005 Toyota Sienna went in, and a brand new Lamborghini came out.”Photo by Maria Dhilla On Sunday, …


God Continues to Send Prophetic Dreams to Man Who Never Remembers His Dreams

Written by: Theo Erickson

“The rain is looking a little red, and there have been a lot of frogs and locusts, but I think that’s just climate change,” said Palm.Photo …


Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.Photo by Millie You This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after …


Costco to Offer Medication Samples

Written by: Connor Betterly

“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In a groundbreaking move last week, …


Physicists Run Out of Greek Letters

Written by: Pranav Reddy

“I don’t get all this fuss. I thought one of the Greek letters was already nu,” said one physics student.Photo by Julia Wong A recent announcement …


Local Man Makes New Year’s Resolution to Become Worse in Every Way Possible

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“I won’t stop until I’ve kicked 101 dalmatians,” vowed Fleming.Photo by Sophie Pubb At the start of every year, many Americans resolve to improve themselves in …


California Storm Drain Systems Augmented with Parched Clowns

Written by: Millie You

“I’m really glad the government started taking the flooding seriously and stopped clowning around,” said Quin.Photo by Amit Roth As California braced itself for a torrent …


Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins

Written by: Isha Dhandha

“Pumpkin spice pumpkins? What’s next, pumpkin spice pumpkin spice pumpkins?” wondered one customer.Photo by Amit Roth On October 1st, Starbucks announced an addition to their highly …