SIO Researchers Discover Godzilla off La Jolla Coast

Written by: Chris Zhang

“I always knew my husband was a snack,” said one grieving spouse.
Photo by Destiny Friday

On March 11, 2024, Scripps Institute of Oceanography researchers on the SS Marinade detected a large, unknown entity off the coast of La Jolla Shores via sonar. Upon further inspection, they deduced the identity of the underwater entity: a radioactive, skyscraper-sized lizard, promptly declared to be “Godzilla.” Researchers concluded that Godzilla is presently in a state of hibernation and not an imminent concern. However, they warned, it is possible that it may wake up within a few years, a prediction that has had varied effects on the local housing market.

The exact reason why Godzilla migrated all the way to La Jolla is still unknown and widely debated. Some theorize that Godzilla is simply here for the pristine warm waters and clear weather. A faction of scientists have hypothesized that the true cause of Godzilla’s residency in La Jolla area is that it is attracted to the high concentration of military and naval activity in the greater San Diego region. “We are absolutely certain that the sheer number of warships and weaponry in this county are responsible for Godzilla’s migration — it’s irresistible to the monster,” said one scientist. “Haven’t you watched the classic 1954 film Godzilla before?”

While the detection of Godzilla off the La Jolla coast has sparked a flurry of activity in the scientific community, Godzilla’s presence has much of the UC San Deigo student population reconsidering their housing plans. Many students started packing their bags and moving out of their dorms. “I don’t wanna die, for real, for real,” explained one undergrad as they hoisted their luggage to their car. Another UCSD student, upon hearing that Godzilla was in fact real, exclaimed, “I just moved out of my mom’s basement — now I have to move back?!”Others expressed optimism about Godzilla’s presence in La Jolla. Some speculate that Godzilla’s radioactive breath, predicted by one group of SIO researchers to be unleashed as early as Fall 2025, could present the opportunity to replace multimillion-dollar mansions with affordable housing.

“It’s quite simple,” explained Rhett Lai-Ning, a Urban Studies and Planning major at the Rady School of Management. “Once Godzilla wakes up and destroys the mansions in La Jolla with his atomic breath, all this land can be used to build multi-story apartment complexes that can house hundreds of UCSD students.”

When asked about the residents currently living in La Jolla, a self-identified “fellow plebian” responded, “Don’t worry, the rich people will be fine, they have insurance… State Farm probably covers Godzilla attacks.”

SIO researchers were also interviewed about their thoughts on Godzilla’s effect on housing markets. One researcher said, “From previous cases, the presence of Godzilla is known to have a negative correlation with housing prices, due to radioactive breath. Duh!”

When asked about his thoughts and concerns regarding the Godzilla situation, Chancellor Khosla laughed and exclaimed, “This is perfect! Now that people want to live farther inland, I can double the cost of La Jolla del Sol housing contracts!”

While some speculate about the real estate opportunities Godzilla presents, others continue to rush to evacuate the La Jolla area. “It has yet to be determined whether Godzilla is a harbinger of doom for La Jolla or an angel in disguise,” said Don Lizzar, a professor of aquatic reptiles at SIO. “Only time will tell what Godzilla’s true intentions are.”

Captain Ahab, a researcher present on the SS Marinade at the time of the discovery, had a different reaction: “Awww shucks, I thought it was Moby.”

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