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Briefs

UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm

Written by: Connor Betterly

UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …

Briefs

Amazon Buys the Catholic Church

Written by: Everett Ririe

Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’

Written by: Millie You

“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …

Briefs

Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas

Written by: Janice Kim

As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …

ArticlesEntertainmentNews

UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads

Written by: Richard Rider

“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …

Briefs

Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …

ArticlesCampusNews

Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’

Written by: Justin Xu

“I’m proud to announce that we no longer have students living under the poverty line,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Justin Xu At a recent press conference, …

Briefs

NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …

ArticlesNationalNews

Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State

Written by: Dylan Towner

“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …

Briefs

In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®

Written by: The MQ

Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …