Alabama Embryologists Adopt 873 Children

Written by: Katie Campbell

“Embryo #405 has great aspirations to become a teacher,” said Abbie Maker.
Photo by Amit Roth

Following the recent controversial ruling by Alabama’s Supreme Court, all frozen embryos in the state are now legally considered “extrauterine children.” Many reproductive health clinics have suspended offering services such as in vitro fertilization due to the risk of medical staff being charged with wrongful death of a minor as a result of embryo loss or destruction. While many anti-abortion advocates consider the ruling a “win for men and children everywhere,” medical professionals have declared the law to be “unethical, unscientific, and generally pretty shitty for anyone struggling with infertility.”

However, one couple has shared that they are “ecstatic” over the change. Research embryologists Richard Kaboom and Abbie Maker have disclosed that they legally possess 873 frozen embryos donated by people across Alabama who had completed their families, and they have “big plans” for their own family. “Full disclosure, I think this law is shitty, and I think redefining personhood to include clumps of cells in liquid nitrogen will only hurt people. All of the embryos here were donated willingly, with the full informed consent of the donors,” said Kaboom. “We’ve spent decades of our lives studying embryos to better understand human infertility. But since that’s not allowed anymore — ‘basically murder,’ or whatever horseshit they’re spewing in Montgomery — we’re finally seeing rewards for our efforts beyond getting published in Nature. We’re now the proud parents of 873 beautiful children, and we have successfully registered their birth certificates with the state of Alabama. We’d love to have more children, too, if others wish to donate their unused embryos to us to avoid being charged with manslaughter.”

Maker further clarified how their family is legally defined. “Since all of the donor parents have placed the embryos into our care for the rest of eternity, that makes us the adoptive parents of all of these… ‘children,’ so we’ll be granted tax credits for each child. They all require upkeep to remain frozen, so we can write that off as a business expense. And, you know, 873 children on two scientists’ salaries — no way we can afford that. We’ll have to go on welfare for sure,” Maker said. “The Repub­lican majority is constantly trying to convince us that the average person is committing $100,000 of welfare fraud every year. If they want to be like that, we’ll show them welfare fraud — and tax fraud, and identity fraud, and if you give us 18 years, we’ll show them voter fraud, too. We will make voter fraud rain upon this state like a plague of fucking locusts, and we will be the Blue Wave. If we get all of the remaining embryos in the state, we’ll have enough influence to declare ourselves God in exactly 6,753 days.”

Justina Wrightworth, Maker and Kaboom’s attorney, had the following to say when contacted by email: “I would go to any length to defend my clients. They could walk into court with seven knives and two swords, and I would still defend them. The Alabama Supreme Court is about to learn what ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ means. They wouldn’t know a human life if it hit them in the face, and I am approaching at a velocity just shy of light-speed with the wrath of Hera herself behind me.”

Kaboom and Maker said that they were “upset” to leave their embryology careers behind. “This has been my passion for years. I hope that I’ll be able to reconnect with meaningful research again in the future, but I think tending to my family will be more profitable for now,” said Kaboom. Additionally, there are new career opportunities on the horizon; TLC is reportedly looking into creating a show based on the new family: 873 Cells and Counting.

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