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Dining Hall Workers Can’t Serve for Shit vs. We Serve Cunt
POINT: Dining Hall Workers Can’t Serve for Shit Is it so bad to want for more in life? Is it such a sin to want the …
HDH Announces Tactical Operations to Track Down Missing Dining Hall Dishes
“I had like five bottles of liquor in my dorm room, but they ignored that to get to my dirty plate,” said one student.Photo by Julia …
One TA Can’t Possibly Grade it All vs. It Builds Character
POINT: One TA Can’t Possibly Grade it All I am writing this message by candlelight — yes, by candlelight, like it’s the 1800s, because I can’t …
Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead
“His heart thumpity-thump-thumped until it could thump-thump no more,” said one local child.Photo by Julia Wong Frosty the Snowman, a man made out of snow, was …
We Love and Respect All of Our Students vs I’m Homeless
POINT: We Love and Respect All of Our Students Here at UC San Diego, the greatest research institute of all time, student satisfaction is one of …
University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
“I spoke to The Creature and I thought he was a really nice guy,” said one UCSD administrator.Photo by Julia Wong Last Monday, UC San Diego …
Happy 40th Birthday to the Stuart Art Collection! vs What Even Are All These Weird Pieces of Art?
POINT: Happy 40th Birthday to the Stuart Art Collection! Have you ever been on an amble through campus when you have stumbled upon a curious, nay, …
Eucalyptus Grove Marches on Geiselgard
“To all the students who think they can support the Ent uprising, I have one thing to say to you,” said Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. “You shall …
Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It vs. Mold Actually Makes You Smarter If You Sniff Enough of It
POINT: Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It When I moved into the UC San Diego dorms, I expected to …
UCSD Begs Students to Have More Sex
“I can’t believe our virginity rate is even higher than our acceptance rate!” said Dill Doe.Photo by Julia Wong Since its establishment, UC San Diego has …
I Give Up — The Next Global Disaster Will Be Too Weird to Predict
A decade of unprecedentedly unprecedented times, whatever people are calling it, has put me out of business. If you asked me a decade ago where we’d …
You Are Not Snow White vs Tell That to These Fucking Ravens
POINT: You Are Not Snow White Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I practice the tradition of frolicking through Eucalyptus Grove and serenading my entourage of forest …
Frasier Reboot Meets Expectations
“No man, woman, or child is going to be able to call me a fake Frasier fan,” said Kilometers.Photo by Amit Roth The first two episodes …
It Takes Forever to Get Anywhere Because of the Construction vs. In My Day, We Walked Uphill Both Ways
Armed with a summer’s worth of marathon training, enough protein powder to sustain a small village, and the willpower of a proper American imperialist ready to …
UCSD to Convert Individual Parking Spaces Into ‘Housing Solutions’
“When I came back from my 8 a.m. class, some asshole had parked his Prius in my living room,” complained one resident.Photo by Amit Roth UC …
Online Exclusives
Supreme Court Announces Decision: Gerrymandering Must Be Done by Impartial Artist
This morning, the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on the case Maryland v. Nomandering, ruling in favor of Jerry Nomandering, who argued that Maryland’s latest attempt …
New Sports Announced for LA Olympic Games
Los Angeles constituents have formally opposed the construction of the 2024 Summer Olympic stadiums and housing out of concern that the buildings will go unused after …
New Determinism Movement Sweeps Through Campus
At the beginning of fall quarter, The Determinism Movement, a new club founded at UC San Diego, set the record for the largest club on campus. …
