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Susan Bagel: Bread

When I dream, I dream of my grandmother’s fruit bread. Every winter, she made enough loaves to feed a small village, and we feasted on the …

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The MQ Hits the Gym

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Domino’s Announces New Delivery Service

Pizza Hut topples the competition

New Apple Variety Developed

Red vicious

Restaurant Debuts Reverse Foods

Competitors still trying to ketchup

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The Pride Flag

The Pride Flag By Theo Erickson

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HDH Recruits Gordon Ramsay to Fix Their “Kitchen Nightmares”

“This chicken is so undercooked, it’s still crossing the road!” cried Ramsay.Photo by Julia Wong For years, students have rated their experience at the campus’ dining …

ITS Announces Hiring of Carrier Pigeons to Improve ResNet Speeds

“My carrier pigeon isn’t helping at all. It built a ResNest in my dorm!” exclaimed one student.Photo by James Woolley In response to growing complaints, UCSD’s …

Scientists Discover Long-Lost Thanksgiving Music

“I’m so glad I have something to play loudly during dinner so I don’t have to talk to my family,” said Thanksgiving music enthusiast Davide Strallman.Photo …

Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! vs. All Families Deserve to Be Fed

POINT: Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite! Within a week of moving into my new home, it was evident to me that I had …

Netflix Responds to Criticism of Jeffrey Dahmer Series by Lengthening Show’s Title

Netflix recently announced they would be partnering with Monster Energy to fund season two.Photo by Amit Roth This September, Netflix released Dahmer — Monster: The Jeffrey …

Scientist Evolves to Eat Microplastics, Becomes World’s First Human 3D Printer

“Life in plastic — it’s fantastic,” said Dr. Gabriel Barbecue.Photo by James Woolley Last month, Dr. Gabriel Barbecue checked himself into the hospital after experiencing severe …

Return Black Friday to Its Roots

If one more person disrespects the internationally-recognized holiday of Black Friday, I am going to lose it. The contempt when you dismiss this patriotic purchasing day …

UCSD Announces New “DILF”-Focused Research Center to Promote Equality

“This project has fathered many other studies,” said Simgod Friend.Photo by James Woolley Following the reveal of the Human Milk Institute, UCSD announced the Human Observation …

It’s Not a Phage, Mom

I’m not doing this because it’s a viral trend! It’s not infectious, my friends haven’t caught it, and no one is putting me up to this. …

Congress Announces a Bipartisan Skincare Line

“Wearing this skincare product makes me feel 40 years younger. I might even start voting Democrat again,” testified Senator McConnell.Photo by Julia Wong House Speaker Nancy …

Student Explodes After Discovering They’re An Extra on The Truman Show

“What? It was time to BeReal,” said Snot.Photo by Sharon Roth A large commotion that “wasn’t a fire alarm for once” was reported by Sixth College …

SPIN Scooter Claims First Life at UCSD Campus

“My philosophy professor asked me what I would do when faced with the trolley problem,” said one SPIN user. “Today I found out.”Photo by Julia Wong …

Professor Branches Out to Streaming Professionally After Lecture Recordings Succeed

“I got banned from Twitch chat,” alleged one student. “Can I still pass the class?”Photo by Amit Roth The COVID-19 pandemic forced many aspects of modern …

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Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics

Last Saturday, a janitor was cleaning out a closet and stumbled into a hidden chamber at Trinity College in Cambridge, England. Inside the chamber was an …

UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College

As the construction of its Eighth College nears completion, UC San Diego’s administration has announced a plan for the university’s ninth college, Ninth College. “We needed …