Features

Horoscopes – May 2024

⦿ Gemini ⦿ May 21 – June 20Happy Gemini season! This month, your power-ups include perfectly reheating pizza, doing one point better than average on your …

Susan Bagel: Asparagus

This spring at the grocery store, I held a bundle of asparagus in my hands and ran a finger down a sinewy length. I thought perhaps …

More Articles

Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily

“I thought trigonometry would be just as fun as the Pythagorean theorem, but it was just SOH-SOH,” said Abby Tuse.Photo by Amit Roth A recent poll …

UCLA Invites Dick Cheney for Commencement Speech

“I heard Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War,” said Al Gore. “Ain’t that an inconvenient truth?”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Two former vice presidents will …

Tennessee Students to Start Concealed Carrying

“I knew violent video games would come in handy one day,” said one student.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Just five days after Governor Rick Les Stu Pidity …

Students to Graduate

“It’s great commencement is outside the unemployment office. Really saves time on my commute,” said graduating student Onion Ployable.Photo by Erica Rosslee and Jordan Whitlow After …

AXE Body Spray Is Vile vs As an Alpha Male, AXE Body Spray Is My Life

POINT: AXE Body Spray is Vile If you’re like me, you’ve shown up to your 9 a.m. class in Solis feeling accomplished for participating in your …

Family of Four Moves Next to Bomb Factory, Surprised by Frequent Explosions

“When the realtor said the deal was dynamite, I assumed they meant the price!” said Suzie Smith.Photo by Jordan Whitlow The newly moved-in Smith family was …

‘Exceptionally Joyous’ American Makes US Happiest Country in the World

“They’re a glass full kinda guy,” said Chidi Pea.Photo by Destiney Friday After years of substandard rankings, the United States was ranked as the world’s happiest …

UCSD Construction Cranes Named New Official Mascot

“The future of our school mascot is up in the air — 265 feet, to be exact,” said Douglas Upton.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Stuart Art …

Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College

POINT: Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell You children these days are all fools. You lot are always …

I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought

I’ve spent my entire life as a God-fearing professional onion chopper, and never in my life have I ever witnessed a drought last longer than my …

Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill

“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …

HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown

“I still get food poisoning, but now I know exactly why,” said one student.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Triton2Go Mobile Order app has long been a …

I Must Return to the Real World

Beloved wizards and magicians of the greater San Diego area, it is time for me to hang up my hat and cloak in favor of the …

DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’

“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …

I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest

POINT: I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer Five years gone. They really snuck up on me. Is this really the last summer I’ll …

Skyboxes

Chef Gets A Little Too Creative

Beaten to a pulp

Wells Fargo Turns To E-Banking

Struggles with data fishing

Comics

God is a Khosla

Fallen

Suspicions

Online Exclusives

Taylor Swift Overcomes Cult of Personality and Industry Monopoly to Top the Charts

Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poet’s Department was met with mixed reviews from critics and broad commercial success when it debuted on April 19. “All 32 songs …

UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced Nocturnal Enrollment, UC San Diego’s latest plan to increase enrollment. This new program, set to begin during the 2024–2025 academic year, will …

College Football Announces New Fan Voting System for Playoffs

Starting in the 2024–25 season, the NCAA will premier a new 12-team playoff bracket, instead of the controversial four-team bracket that the playoffs began in 2014. …