Sunday Comics

Archie v Riverdale

Bye Bye Butterfree

The Modern Cure

Garfield

Calvin and Hobbes

The Plight of the Artist

News

Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week

After staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of 11 days. When …

Trump’s Space Force: “We Will Send the First Americans to the Moon by 2044”

Months after introducing the general public to the concept of an American Space Force, President Trump signed a new policy that laid out plans to establish …

Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America

Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” …

Opinion

Promise You Won’t Get Mad, But …

Promise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and …

Point/Counter Point: Swearing

Point: No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household Son, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, …

Editorial: I Wish I Could Make a Difference in Politics, but I Don’t Know How

Like many Americans, I want to make a valuable difference in my community, but it can seem overwhelming and hopeless. How much of a difference could …

Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Daylight Savings Ruined Your Day

1. You have to wait six months until your car clock works again
2. You’re missing the one hour of beauty sleep you needed to not look ugly
3. You scheduled something for 2:01 a.m.
4. You sprung too far forward and you’re now in the year 2089
5. You’ve been outrunning your shadow and now it’s caught up with you
6. You have to hire a mason to reset your sundial
7. You were strategically playing hard-to-get but now it looks like you’re ghosting her
8. The doctor only gave you six more hours to live and you just lost an hour
9. Nobody understood your joke because your timing was off
10. You forgot to report your extra savings in daylight and now the IRS is after you

Top Ten Reasons Why the Floor Is Caving In

10. Your hoarding habit is getting bad
9. It’s on top of quicksand
8. You’ve been begging for a new Xbox and it’s had enough
7. You were trying to break the glass ceiling but you missed
6. The floor bought apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur
5. Your plan to smash that spider with a sledgehammer was poorly thought out
4. You built your house on top of journalistic integrity
3. She took the floor in the divorce
2. You just had to say, “How could this day get any worse?”
1. You still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room

Top Ten Similarities Between April Fool’s Day and Your Final Exams

10. They remind you of your wasted potential
9. You celebrated both by putting a stink bomb inside your professor’s car
8. You didn’t expect to be drunk
7. Both have an approximately 13 percent chance of sending you to the hospital
6. You spent the entire time blaming your noxious gas on a whoopee cushion
5. They make you want to drop out of college
4. You would have felt better if you had just stayed in bed
3. They both have gone on long enough
2. You started to laugh-cry at the absurdity of it all
1. You forgot to participate

to brief or not to brief

Helicopter Mother Leaves 72-Hour Voicemail to Ungrateful Son

Local mother Khadija Abboud reportedly left a 72-hour voicemail to her “darling son, Arman.” The recording starting on Thursday and ending the following Sunday. Khadija Abboud …

Local Student Sleeps for Three Days Straight, Still Tired

Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute …

Area Student Excited for New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season, “Definitely Not For the Nudity”

Area frat boy Ramin Djawak expressed his excitement for the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones” by throwing a party at Blacks Beach on the night …