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FED’s New Wealth Distribution Plan: Dropping Pennies Around Country
In homage to the long-standing tradition of picking up heads-up pennies found on the floor, the Federal Reserve System…
Cows Begin Producing Oat Milk, Cater to Queer Community
“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.Photo by Amit Roth In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
UCSD Gloving and Sliding Teams Duel in Revelle Plaza
“When you’re a glover, you’re a glover all the way,” said one glover. “From your firstcigarette to your last dying day.”Photo by Destiney Friday During a …
Muir to Undergo ‘Progress Initiatives’
“Wow, Sixth College is so big now,” said one student with a visible erection.Photo by David Muñoz On February 19, Muir College sent out an email …
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
I Have Somethin’ Very Important to Say
Listen, I want you to sit down when I tell you this. I’ll wait. Make sure you’re all nice ‘n’ comfy and your seatbelt’s strapped an’ …
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How The Sunshine Market Renovation Ruined My Life
Scene: It’s the first day of Spring Quarter, and I’m walking through Price Center. I am unbothered, serene even, as I dodge the usual lunchtime swarm …
Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
So, here’s the issue. I was under the impression that class enrollment just hadn’t happened for anyone yet. Because when enrollment times came out and WebReg …
