Features
Susan Bagel – Banana Water
Long, hot summer nights. The kitchen boils, and yet I must keep the stove burning to make my eleventh batch of hot banana water. The aroma …
Skyboxes
Sculptor Tries Different Medium
Hardware doesn’t prove hard enough
Nun Starts New Religion
Prays to Cod
More Articles
Professional Sports Have Become Predictable
What’s the deal with sports these days? When I was a kid, there were still new narratives and new agendas being pushed. We had Michael Jordan …
Professors Start Evaluating Students Through New GRADE Program
UC San Diego is currently considering ways to incorporate GRADEs into students’ cumulative GPAs.Photo by Maria Dhilla After experiencing success with the CAPE program, professors have …
GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk
“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t beam you up right now,” said CadetGPT.Photo by Maria Dhilla On May 26, OpenAI announced the completion of their GPT-5 large …
God Continues to Send Prophetic Dreams to Man Who Never Remembers His Dreams
“The rain is looking a little red, and there have been a lot of frogs and locusts, but I think that’s just climate change,” said Palm.Photo …
We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food vs Hop In Comrade, We’re Seizing the Means of Production
Point: We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food Look, I know that we’re all getting annoyed at the fact that HDH always seems …
Life Is Horrible, but I Have a Little Drink
I have been in a constant state of misery since September 23, 2022, after the innocent newness of Fall Quarter ceased to appeal to me and …
Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month
“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …
La Jolla Village Square Parking Lot Replaced With “The Pit”
“I love the pit,” said one Ralphs customer. “My 2005 Toyota Sienna went in, and a brand new Lamborghini came out.”Photo by Maria Dhilla On Sunday, …
US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools
After two weeks of basic combat training, new BIB recruits will be expected to complete two weeks of intensive potty training.Photo by Amit Roth Over the …
UCSD Reveals Sun God Is Pansexual in Celebration of Pride Month
UC San Diego is reportedly editing Dawn of a Deity for release in Florida.Photo by Julia Wong On June 1, UC San Diego sent out an …
Tom Cruise Is the Last Gen X Babygirl
I take my coffee black with salt, carry cash, and drive a manual car. I shook hands with George Lucas once, and Al Pacino made eye …
New LinkedIn Jobs Update Released: LinkedIn Cogs
“I preferred getting ghosted,” said one LinkedIn Cogs user. “At least I could be righteously angry about that.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Last week, in response to …
What Hath God Wrought Has Been Spelling Out Something Else This Entire Time
“I figured out the first piece of the puzzle,” said one What Hath God Hidden member. “They’re using Morse code.”Photo by Amit Roth Recent controversy has …
UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike vs. It’s the Year 2040
Point: UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike I have kindly decided to honor the tentative agreement from the 2022 strike. UC San Diego …
Famous Star Canceled for Creating Nuclear Power Plant
“Getting a chance to sit down and talk with the Sun was enlightening,” said one journalist. “They’re not as bright as they seem.”Photo by Sharon Roth …
Online Exclusives
Goodyear Blimp Grounded Indefinitely
Photo by Amit Roth Throughout the month of February, several balloons flying over North America were shot down by U.S. fighter pilots. Following these incidents, Goodyear …
How Depleted Uranium Could Solve the World Hunger Crisis
Five years ago, I was walking on a trail through the Yucca Mountains in Nevada when I stumbled upon a dull, grayish-black bar of metal. Having …
I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You
I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by …
