1. They keep saying, “Nice to ‘meat’ you”
2. The fireplace looks suspiciously like a rotisserie
3. All the kitchen utensils are labeled “for humans”
4. They use a fork and knife to eat ass
5. After you took a shower they said you were very aromatic
6. They said they wanted you inside them and said “no homo,” so there’s only one explanation left
7. They use brass knuckles to tenderize steak because “it’s good practice”
8. They keep asking if you’re kosher
9. They keep trying to stuff an apple in your mouth when you’re asleep
10. You moved into a gingerbread house

1. Your dad keeps building you bunk beds, but you’re an only child
2. Your dad’s been searching for treasure in the backyard and has never heard of a shovel
3. There’s been a lot of drilling late at night in your parents’ room
4. Too many paintings on the walls
5. He was finally able to finish that shed in your backyard, which finally gave him the confidence to divorce your mom
6. Your parents started having kids for all the extra chairs
7. Any cheese you buy now becomes Swiss
8. Building 20 chairs has so far been the weirdest way he’s coped with not getting custody
9. He can’t find a power outlet, so he just makes the drilling noises himself
10. Your dog found it, and let’s just say your mailman is never coming back

1. Because God said so
2. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries
3. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing
4. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation
5. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted
6. I saw him behind a Target after eight Five-Hour Energies
7. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales
8. I would know. We’re tight
9. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn?
10. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot