Features
Susan Bagel: Lemonade
The first warm night of the year. When the birds begin to settle in the trees, all gesture and swoop silhouetted by the burning orange evening, …
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I Will Never Write an Editorial
When I was three years old my family took a vow of silence. My father refused to further pollute the marketplace of ideas with our half-baked …
I Can’t Wait For the Free and Fair 2026 Elections!
You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it. That little orange thing that’s been all over the news lately. Such a dumb person in …
La Jolla Homesteaders Share Plight
“I love how cottagecore this is!”, said one attendee.Photo by Liv Gilbert Members of La Jolla Homesteading took to the streets this week to oppose public …
UCSD Fertility Dorms to Combat Falling Population Rates
Anonymous sources report that Genesis 38 will soon be added to UCSD’s Principles of Community.Photo by Erica Rosslee In a bold move that university officials are …
Maybe Cool It On the Parties vs. Your Mom Pays Me To Be Your Friend
Point: Maybe Cool It On the Parties Hey, man. I can tell you’ve been pretty stressed about your homework lately. And I get it! Finals season …
Department of Education Opens UC Guantanamo Bay
“Why would I speak up? I’m not a student,” said one community member.Photo by Janice Kim On Tuesday, the Trump administration announced a commitment to a …
College Reveals Experimentation on Caffeine Consumption Limits
“Research log number 58,” said Dr. Melmacchiato. “Patient 437’s blood has become carbonated.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt Leading biochemists Drs. Camille Sinensis and Cara Melmacchiato recently revealed …
American English Makes More Sense Than British English vs. BRITANNIA FOREVER
Point: American English Makes More Sense Than British English Well gee golly, I’m so sorry to be causing a fuss, but I feel it must be …
UCSD Replaces Library Walk with Endlessly Shifting Labyrinth
“I actually graduated six years ago,” said one student found in the depths.Photo by Destiney Friday After several complaints about the congestion on Library Walk, the …
Take a Break or I’ll Take You Out
I get it: life is hard. But I swear to God I am going to get you if you keep making me feel like shit all …
Students Protest Overabundance of Midterms
“Maybe you all should just learn faster,” said one professor.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Recently, UC San Diego’s One Midterm Only movement, took to Library Walk to …
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla Reveals Himself as a ‘Regressor’, Vows To Repeat Term Until Every Student Wants Him Back
“Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember me, you are not alone.”Photo by Amit Roth In a revelation that has left …
All I Do Is Talk, Because Nobody Listens
Every day I set up at another table at another college with another microphone and another stack of white hats. But these days, I never seem …
Trump Declares Time Is Relative, No Need for Third Term
“Time, just like the law, is fluid,” said Trump.Photo by Janice Kim In a press conference Thursday night, President Donald Trump announced he was no longer …
Online Exclusives
How The Sunshine Market Renovation Ruined My Life
Scene: It’s the first day of Spring Quarter, and I’m walking through Price Center. I am unbothered, serene even, as I dodge the usual lunchtime swarm …
Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
So, here’s the issue. I was under the impression that class enrollment just hadn’t happened for anyone yet. Because when enrollment times came out and WebReg …
