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Susan Bagel: Pickle
The dewy winds of spring have departed, and the waters they brought are remembered only by the ripened fruit. In the garden, my cucumber plants grow …
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Some People Shouldn’t Have Jobs
Is it me, or are people just hiring anybody these days? I only ask because, last week, I heard that an old schoolmate of mine, Mandy, …
School Year Extended Indefinitely
“You have been condemned to Hell,” said Canvas.Photo by Ezra Bihis Over the past few weeks, UC San Diego undergraduates like Deni Isle have noted that …
Books Call for Lower Book Prices
“It’s time to fight back,” said the encyclopedia.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Class reading materials from nationwide university-run bookstores have begun to organize en masse in reaction …
There Are No Third Spaces Anymore! vs Get A Second Job, Dumbass!
Point: There Are No Third Spaces Anymore! The third space — a place that isn’t work or home — is a nearly extinct presence in modern …
Research Department Observes Theoretical Beach
“So this is what those beach episodes in anime were about?” said one weebish researcher.Photo by Amit Roth I n a shocking discovery made by “particularly …
Morality ‘Solved’
“I might be a cicada without feelings, but the rational thing is that I still love Usha,” said Cicada Vance.Photo by Amit Roth After successfully capturing …
Chancellor Named Sexiest Man Alive
“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.Photo by Adrien Agreste Last week, People Magazine …
Chancellor Khosla ‘Draws Line’ at Censoring Hate Speech
TIMELY WARNING: Suspect suspected, call (714) 227-4834 if spotted.Photo by Amit Roth On May 6, the Office of the Chancellor sent out a school wide email …
Student Re-Discovers RestroomsAfter Species Declared Endangered
“I knew that hunting regulation would come in handy,” said the bathroomologist.Photo by David Muñoz and Dylan Schmidt With the imminent reopening of Pines and Roots, …
Students Trapped in Pokéballs Following Canvas Hack
RIMAC to be converted to fighting-type gym.Photo by Amit Roth On May 7, ShinyHunters, a self-proclaimed “white hat” cybercrime ring, compromised schoolwork platform Canvas. In additon …
Girl Scouts Introduces New Cookie: The ‘Marijuana Munchie’
“HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME,” said The Tweaker.Photo by David Muñoz To make up for losses from “disappointing” winter cookie sales at UC San Diego, …
Korea Implements K-Pop Idol Gamete Donor Program
“We’re going up, up, up!” said one sperm.Photo by Amanda Webber After a predictive model projected that the South Korean population will go extinct by 2030, …
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
Catholic Church Ordains New AI Priest
“Beep boop. Updating protocol to include God’s new updates,” said The Latter Day Saints’ version of PeterAI.Photo by Amit Roth L ast month, a San Francisco …
Online Exclusives
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
How The Sunshine Market Renovation Ruined My Life
Scene: It’s the first day of Spring Quarter, and I’m walking through Price Center. I am unbothered, serene even, as I dodge the usual lunchtime swarm …
Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
So, here’s the issue. I was under the impression that class enrollment just hadn’t happened for anyone yet. Because when enrollment times came out and WebReg …
