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Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist

“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …

NFL Declares Hundred-Year Study on Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy

“My head hurts,” said one player.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a new initiative aimed at understanding the long-term …

Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman

“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …

Dating My Campus Crush Went Wrong?

It all started the first week of school when I went to a “First-Years in Seventh from the Northeast Part of Akron, Ohio” mixer. I saw …

Geekvape Launches Pacifiers

“I am ripping phat cloudz off this cart. JUULius Caesar is almost empty,” said preschooler Little Jimmy.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Geekvape, a leading manufacturer of electronic …

UCSD Acquires Trolley for Student Housing

“Next station: Blue Line Hall,” stated the trolley intercom. “La siguiente estación: Blue Line Hall. Blue Line Hall is next.”Photo by Amit Roth A recently declassified …

I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You vs. I’ve Already Found Love but You Just Can’t Meet Her Cuz She Lives in Canada

POINT: I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You At the ripe old age of 20, I’ve lived, I’ve laughed… so when will I find love?! …

‘Hot Debate’ Engulfs National Collegiate Curling Scene

“They’re just too hot,” said Vegen. “We don’t stand a chance!”Photo by Destiny Friday Following their meteoric rise to become NCAA champions, the UC San Diego …

Student Spends ‘Lost Week’ Resting

“I winter broke, but I didn’t winter heal,” said Slaque.Photo by Janice Kim Following a Fall quarter in which they took 22 units and worked part-time, …

Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines

“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson Meta user Michael Roechip has gained traction for a post that originally …

AI-based Boba Shop, ‘Cha GPTea,’ Starts Using Coffee Instead

“This binary barista doesn’t make my coffee as well as the non-binary barista did,” said former MOM’s patron Mx. Presso.Photo by Theo Erickson An artificial intelligence-based …

STOP Polluting Our Children’s Minds! vs. Hey, I Love That Show!

POINT: STOP Polluting Our Children’s Minds! Oh you liberals really did it this time. After months of nagging from the old lady to become more “involved” …

Ridge Walk Introduces FasTrak Lane

“And I… I took the Trak less traveled by,” said literature major Carol Quickley.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Starting in Fall 2025, UC San Diego will be …

Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination

“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”asked Fawner.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After the assassination …

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Taylor Swift Overcomes Cult of Personality and Industry Monopoly to Top the Charts

Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poet’s Department was met with mixed reviews from critics and broad commercial success when it debuted on April 19. “All 32 songs …

UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced Nocturnal Enrollment, UC San Diego’s latest plan to increase enrollment. This new program, set to begin during the 2024–2025 academic year, will …