News

Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective

Written by:

Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …

Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …

Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …

Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving

Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. …

Opinion

Point/Counter Point

Written by:

POINT: Parents, Watch Out for Drugs in Your Children’s Halloween Candy! Attention, fellow parents! It has recently come to my attention that marijuana products have a …

EDITORIAL: Amazon Prime Student Made Shopping for My First Year of College So Easy!

OMG! You guys would not believe what cute stuff I got for my dorm, all from shopping exclusively on Amazon! From enchanting floral string-lights to a …

POINT: Along With Other Politicians, I Will Be Suing a Comedian for Making Jokes at My Expense; COUNTERPOINT: Along With Other Constituents, I Will Be Suing a Politician for Making Judgements at My Expense

POINT: Along With Other Politicians, I Will Be Suing a Comedian for Making Jokes at My Expense Never in my entire political career have I ever …

EDITORIAL: Saudi Arabia Bans Online Satire, Finally a Step in the Right Direction

Saudi Arabia announced they were finally banning online satire last month and I for one could not be more proud. People have said that the biggest …

Top Ten

Top Ten Things That Make You Think Your Roommate Is a Cannibal

1. They keep saying, “Nice to ‘meat’ you”
2. The fireplace looks suspiciously like a rotisserie
3. All the kitchen utensils are labeled “for humans”
4. They use a fork and knife to eat ass
5. After you took a shower they said you were very aromatic
6. They said they wanted you inside them and said “no homo,” so there’s only one explanation left
7. They use brass knuckles to tenderize steak because “it’s good practice”
8. They keep asking if you’re kosher
9. They keep trying to stuff an apple in your mouth when you’re asleep
10. You moved into a gingerbread house

Top Ten Ways Your Life Has Gotten Worse Since Your Dad Got a Power Drill

1. Your dad keeps building you bunk beds, but you’re an only child
2. Your dad’s been searching for treasure in the backyard and has never heard of a shovel
3. There’s been a lot of drilling late at night in your parents’ room
4. Too many paintings on the walls
5. He was finally able to finish that shed in your backyard, which finally gave him the confidence to divorce your mom
6. Your parents started having kids for all the extra chairs
7. Any cheese you buy now becomes Swiss
8. Building 20 chairs has so far been the weirdest way he’s coped with not getting custody
9. He can’t find a power outlet, so he just makes the drilling noises himself
10. Your dog found it, and let’s just say your mailman is never coming back

Top Ten Reasons God Has to Be Real

1. Because God said so
2. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries
3. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing
4. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation
5. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted
6. I saw him behind a Target after eight Five-Hour Energies
7. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales
8. I would know. We’re tight
9. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn?
10. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot

News in Brief

UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction

In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this …

Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers

e been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would …

Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party

Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption …