Features

Carlton’s Column for Clowns, Jesters, and Fools

I get it, it’s easy to hate being a clown. We make people happy, until we don’t. We’re too much, too scary, too garish. We disrupt …

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Biblical Scholar Bakes Angel Food Cake

Ruins birthday party

Teamwork

Makes the cream work

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I Need Coding Help vs What, Like It’s Hard?

A person’s ability to learn a new language declines after age 12, so why am I, in my early 20s, expected to learn and become fluent …

Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires

“Californians were happy that they had no more forest fires — before they all drowned,” said Future Senator Petrol G. Ascot.Photo by Julia Wong Chaos broke …

UCSD to Introduce Mini-Triple Rooms

“In this room, my mini fridge looks like a regular fridge,” said Cole Habitation.Photo by Naomika Nadkarni and James Woolley UC San Diego has announced it …

Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement

“Too many vacation days? Take a vacation straight to interview hell,” said a representative of the US Department of More Labor.Photo by Julia Wong Last week, …

SIO Researchers Discover Godzilla off La Jolla Coast

“I always knew my husband was a snack,” said one grieving spouse.Photo by Destiny Friday On March 11, 2024, Scripps Institute of Oceanography researchers on the …

We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’

Folks, we’ve gotta do something about this rat problem. I used to not have a problem with the rats. They were harmless at first. Sometimes, when …

Coca-Cola Unveils New Ad Campaign to Kill the Polar Bears

“Be the climate change you want to see in the world,” said Chief Marketing Officer Klymat Chang.Photo by Amit Roth Beverage giant Coca-Cola announced in a …

HDH Enacts Quarterly Speed Dating Trials

“The incessant buzzing of the fluorescent lights really sets the mood,” said one student.Photo by James Woolley For the past two quarters, UC San Diego Housing, …

Last S Spot Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site

“What the hell did the S even stand for?!” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Over the course of the last school year, the university’s Parking …

Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery

“The NARC chip has a dual benefit of alerting the authorities every time someone thinks about using opiates,” said Alma Bowls.Photo by Julia Wong With Neuralink’s …

Why I Think Leprechauns Aren’t Real

That dreaded time of year is now almost upon us. My first-grade class will soon insist on catching a leprechaun in time for St. Patrick’s Day. …

TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy

“I can’t believe my friends just take whatever drugs companies push on them,” said one conference attendee, taking a hit from their Juul.Photo by Connor Betterly …

Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb

“He keeps eating my freaking yogurt,” said one mansion resident.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since Fall Quarter 2021, UC San Diego has faced an unprecedented housing crisis, …

Amazon and Boeing Announce Joint Microtransit Venture

“Still beats flying with United,” said Ahsoak Ingwethi.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Jeff Bezos was flown to the stage by three drones to announce his latest venture, …

I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture

I hear people have been complaining about the occasional, small, itty-bitty noise that I make when I fall in your 8 a.m. lecture (it’s not like …

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Online Exclusives

UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced Nocturnal Enrollment, UC San Diego’s latest plan to increase enrollment. This new program, set to begin during the 2024–2025 academic year, will …

College Football Announces New Fan Voting System for Playoffs

Starting in the 2024–25 season, the NCAA will premier a new 12-team playoff bracket, instead of the controversial four-team bracket that the playoffs began in 2014. …

How to Sports Bet Your Way into Millions of Dollars

With Super Bowl LVIII just around the corner, there should be exactly one thing on your mind: how can I profit off of the biggest betting …