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Dear Emily Queue: Leap Day Edition

Dear Emily Queue, if I see my shadow on Leap Day, will there be 28 more days of February?Of course not! Who do you think you …

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Man Gets What He Wants by Wishing upon a Star

“I tried to wish on the star too,” said Richard #29, “but nothing happened.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a series of events reported as “rare” by …

Disney Copyrights ‘Everything’

“I think these copyright laws are really Goofy… I mean silly!” said Benson Honeydid.Photo by Julia Wong Following the recent introduction of the classic Disney short …

Tesla Is the Future of Accessibility vs. How Do I Open These Fucking Doors

POINT: Tesla Is the Future of Accessibility The worst thing to happen to anybody just happened to me. I’m temporarily disabled because of a tragic bus …

Read Me Like One of Your French Books

I remember the day I was purchased like it was yesterday. I was sitting on a shelf at the store with my siblings, waiting, just waiting …

Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate

“We’re going to get a lot of coal this Christmas,” said Jolly McTinsel.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to focus group data from holiday retail giant Mallhark, …

Please, Just Let Me Live in the Future

I was born in the wrong generation. Everyone seems to have lost their minds! To let Dogecoin die? To not let Elon Musk into your brain …

Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly

“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …

UCSD’s Campus Is Poorly Designed and Hard to Use vs The Only Thing That’s Hard Is All This Concrete

POINT: UCSD’s Campus Is PoorlyDesigned and Hard to Use Let’s be real. UC San Diego is unnavigable, and we all know it. We’ve all read our …

New Car Headlights to Be Replaced with Floodlights

“Do you guys smell something burning?” asked Sneeth Broth.Photo by Amit Roth Following a study on the light intensity of new car headlights, several car companies, …

ChatGPT Caught Cheating on Student

“I thought we were in an open source relationship!” said ChatGPT.Photo by Julia Wong Navigating multiple deferrals and the students sleeping in their hallways, the Academic …

UCSD Needs to Increase Awareness of Mental Illness vs UCSD Makes Me Very Aware of My Mental Illness

POINT: UCSD Needs to Increase Awareness of Mental Illness The University of California, San Diego is ranked #21 nationally for colleges with the most depressed student …

Local Gamer Embarks on ‘Relationship Nuzlocke’ to Legalize Polyamory

“I’ve always been weak to normal types,” said Nico Franc.Photo by Connor Betterly Polyamory is rising in recognition and favorability among young people, but legal protections …

iPads Mandated in UCSD Classrooms

Students are reportedly bringing back the tradition of putting an Apple on the teachers desk.Photo by Amit Roth In preparation for Spring 2024 course registration, UC …

Technology Is So Cool. I Can’t Wait to Live In the Future! vs. Please Leave the Doctor’s Office; Your Subscription to Amazon Health Has Expired

POINT: Technology Is So Cool. I Can’t Wait to Live In the Future! Dudes and dudettes, brace yourselves for the upcoming awesomeness that is the future! …

UCSD Implements Official Land Acknowledgment ‘Thanks to ChatGPT’

“As a human representative of this university, I am not contractually obligated to show empathy,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Alongside an announcement released by …

MOM’s Adopts a Child

“We’re not a mom and pop shop, we’re a mom and mom shop!” said Mah Mi.Photo by Connor Betterly In 1967, MOM’s (Middle of Muir) Café …

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College Football Announces New Fan Voting System for Playoffs

Starting in the 2024–25 season, the NCAA will premier a new 12-team playoff bracket, instead of the controversial four-team bracket that the playoffs began in 2014. …

How to Sports Bet Your Way into Millions of Dollars

With Super Bowl LVIII just around the corner, there should be exactly one thing on your mind: how can I profit off of the biggest betting …

Supreme Court Announces Decision: Gerrymandering Must Be Done by Impartial Artist

This morning, the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on the case Maryland v. Nomandering, ruling in favor of Jerry Nomandering, who argued that Maryland’s latest attempt …