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Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank

Written by: Ren Wallace

“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …

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UCSD Introduces ‘Low-Speed, No-Rail’ System

Written by: Cardi ​

“I have yet to see a villain tie someone to the road,” one student commented.Photo by Amit Roth Amid a flurry of UC-wide budget cuts, UC …

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UCSD Announces Hunger Games for Remaining Parking Spot

Written by: Devin Brown and Julian Jackson

“Wait, you guys are in it for the parking spot?”, said one competitor.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Amid Trump’s recent attack on public university budgets, UC San …

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Trump Imposes Tariffs on International Students

Written by: Annelise McCullough

“This term is going to be tariff-ic!” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the wake of enacting tariffs on goods ranging from aluminum to foreign movies, …

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Local Feminist Group Declares Female Form ‘Yucky’

Written by: Destiney Friday

“Let’s show them what we’re made of!” said one counterprotester.Photo by Erica Rosslee On the third day of last month’s California Women’s Convention, self-proclaimed “feminist activist” …

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UCSD Fertility Dorms to Combat Falling Population Rates

Written by: Shruti ‍

Anonymous sources report that Genesis 38 will soon be added to UCSD’s Principles of Community.Photo by Erica Rosslee In a bold move that university officials are …

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Department of Education Opens UC Guantanamo Bay

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Why would I speak up? I’m not a student,” said one community member.Photo by Janice Kim On Tuesday, the Trump administration announced a commitment to a …

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College Reveals Experimentation on Caffeine Consumption Limits

Written by: Gavriel Feria

“Research log number 58,” said Dr. Melmacchiato. “Patient 437’s blood has become carbonated.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt Leading biochemists Drs. Camille Sinensis and Cara Melmacchiato recently revealed …

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UCSD Replaces Library Walk with Endlessly Shifting Labyrinth

Written by: Cole Johnson

“I actually graduated six years ago,” said one student found in the depths.Photo by Destiney Friday After several complaints about the congestion on Library Walk, the …

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Students Protest Overabundance of Midterms

Written by: Kocheng Lin

“Maybe you all should just learn faster,” said one professor.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Recently, UC San Diego’s One Midterm Only movement, took to Library Walk to …