RIMAC to Replace All Dumbbells With Shake Weights

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“These weights may suck, but at least I can make a protein shake with them,” said Jim Ratt.Photo by Millie You UC San Diego Recreation announced …


Home Chef Invents Three-Day PB&J Recipe

Written by: Erin Yao

“People will be so peanut butter and jealous when they see your great meal!” said Lennon Zest.Photo by Amit Roth While many professional chefs experiment with …


Mutated Sea Life Takes Over Coast Following Japanese Release of Treated Radioactive Water

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“These plants show an appalling amount of sentience. I’m not sure what I’m gonna live off of,” said one vegan resident.Photo by Millie You On August …


Citing Inflation, UCSD Switches Quarter System to Dollar System

Written by: Connor Betterly

“All of these new changes make me feel like a million Dining Dollars,” said one student. “Which is to say, terrible.”Photo by Julia Wong After the …


Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”

Written by: Jerry Wu

“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.Photo by Amit Roth Mattel, Inc. has released a …


Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.Photo by James Woolley In a new report from …


ExxonMobil Claims Leaving Refrigerators Open Can Solve Climate Change

Written by: Millie You

“Global warming is temporary, but commercial refrigerants are forever,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In the wake of this year’s extreme weather, from …


NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art — oh, shit, wrong play,” said Kenny Pickett.Photo by Amit Roth In a series of advertisements designed to raise excitement for …


SPIN Scooters Unionize

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“I don’t feel like this strike is going anywhere,” said one scooter. “We’re just spinning in place.”Photo by Millie You As students return to campus this …


Ninth College to Become UCPD’s New Training Center

Written by: Romella Sagatelian

“I wondered why my laptop wasn’t charging,” said one student. “Turns out they arrested my plug.”Photo by Amit Roth and Julia Wong UC San Diego Chancellor …