News
New Gubernatorial Candidate Promises ‘It’ll All Get Better’
“We should be at brunch right now,” said one median voter.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Emerging from the “crowded” race for California governor comes another candidate intending …
Rumor Mills Shut down Nationwide, Gossip Majors Left Scrambling
“The Shrimp Jesus situation isn’t just crazy, it’s scandalous,” produced ChatGPT.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A record number of rumor mills have closed down operations nationwide, leaving …
Price Center Taco Bell Closes for Renovations
“When will they crunch-wrap-up the construction?” asked one eager student.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to Kay Sadilla, manager of the Taco Bell at UC San Diego’s …
‘Looksmaxxing’ Influencer Sternocleidomastoid ‘Famemaxxes’
“I wish someone looked at me the way Sterno looks at himself,” said Xbox user MuscleMaxxer208.Photo by Aidan Moran In recent months, adolescent male viewership of …
School Year Extended Indefinitely
“You have been condemned to Hell,” said Canvas.Photo by Ezra Bihis Over the past few weeks, UC San Diego undergraduates like Deni Isle have noted that …
Books Call for Lower Book Prices
“It’s time to fight back,” said the encyclopedia.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Class reading materials from nationwide university-run bookstores have begun to organize en masse in reaction …
Research Department Observes Theoretical Beach
“So this is what those beach episodes in anime were about?” said one weebish researcher.Photo by Amit Roth I n a shocking discovery made by “particularly …
Chancellor Named Sexiest Man Alive
“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.Photo by Adrien Agreste Last week, People Magazine …
Student Re-Discovers RestroomsAfter Species Declared Endangered
“I knew that hunting regulation would come in handy,” said the bathroomologist.Photo by David Muñoz and Dylan Schmidt With the imminent reopening of Pines and Roots, …
Girl Scouts Introduces New Cookie: The ‘Marijuana Munchie’
“HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME,” said The Tweaker.Photo by David Muñoz To make up for losses from “disappointing” winter cookie sales at UC San Diego, …
