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Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’

Written by: Millie You

“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …

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UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads

Written by: Richard Rider

“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …

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Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’

Written by: Justin Xu

“I’m proud to announce that we no longer have students living under the poverty line,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Justin Xu At a recent press conference, …

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Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State

Written by: Dylan Towner

“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …

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UCSD Implements Official Land Acknowledgment ‘Thanks to ChatGPT’

Written by: Abby Offenhauser

“As a human representative of this university, I am not contractually obligated to show empathy,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Alongside an announcement released by …

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MOM’s Adopts a Child

Written by: Shayna Crasnick

“We’re not a mom and pop shop, we’re a mom and mom shop!” said Mah Mi.Photo by Connor Betterly In 1967, MOM’s (Middle of Muir) Café …

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Man Gets What He Wants by Wishing upon a Star

Written by: Erin Yao

“I tried to wish on the star too,” said Richard #29, “but nothing happened.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a series of events reported as “rare” by …

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Disney Copyrights ‘Everything’

Written by: Micah Gilbert

“I think these copyright laws are really Goofy… I mean silly!” said Benson Honeydid.Photo by Julia Wong Following the recent introduction of the classic Disney short …

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Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate

Written by: James Woolley

“We’re going to get a lot of coal this Christmas,” said Jolly McTinsel.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to focus group data from holiday retail giant Mallhark, …

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Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …