News

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Announces New “DILF”-Focused Research Center to Promote Equality

Written by:

“This project has fathered many other studies,” said Simgod Friend.Photo by James Woolley Following the reveal of the Human Milk Institute, UCSD announced the Human Observation …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Congress Announces a Bipartisan Skincare Line

Written by:

“Wearing this skincare product makes me feel 40 years younger. I might even start voting Democrat again,” testified Senator McConnell.Photo by Julia Wong House Speaker Nancy …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Explodes After Discovering They’re An Extra on The Truman Show

Written by:

“What? It was time to BeReal,” said Snot.Photo by Sharon Roth A large commotion that “wasn’t a fire alarm for once” was reported by Sixth College …

ArticlesCampusNews

SPIN Scooter Claims First Life at UCSD Campus

Written by:

“My philosophy professor asked me what I would do when faced with the trolley problem,” said one SPIN user. “Today I found out.”Photo by Julia Wong …

ArticlesCampusNews

Professor Branches Out to Streaming Professionally After Lecture Recordings Succeed

Written by:

“I got banned from Twitch chat,” alleged one student. “Can I still pass the class?”Photo by Amit Roth The COVID-19 pandemic forced many aspects of modern …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD to Sell Triton2Go Boxes as Christmas Presents for Future Biologists

Written by:

“When they said UCSD had a weird culture, this is not what I thought they meant,” said Wheatthins.Photo by Romella Sagatelian Last week, HDH announced that …

ArticlesNewsTech

Netflix to Split All of Its Content Into Smaller Channels

Written by:

“Why would I want this segmented business model when I can watch entire movies in 328 shorts on TikTok?” asked Lee.Photo by Julia Wong Netflix recently …

ArticlesLocalNews

Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins

Written by:

“Pumpkin spice pumpkins? What’s next, pumpkin spice pumpkin spice pumpkins?” wondered one customer.Photo by Amit Roth On October 1st, Starbucks announced an addition to their highly …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Dining Hall Hires Skeleton Crew

Written by:

“The new employees have been really skimpy with the portions,” shared Belmont. “The burritos are bare bones.”Photo by Julia Wong Across UCSD, dining halls have struggled …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Man Discovers He, Too, Has Hormones

Written by:

“Men have hormones?” Misenberger asked. “That’s endo-cringe.”Photo by James Woolley A mob of angry senior citizen protesters, armed with signs reading “There are only two genders” …