News
Research Department Observes Theoretical Beach
“So this is what those beach episodes in anime were about?” said one weebish researcher.Photo by Amit Roth I n a shocking discovery made by “particularly …
Chancellor Named Sexiest Man Alive
“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.Photo by Adrien Agreste Last week, People Magazine …
Student Re-Discovers RestroomsAfter Species Declared Endangered
“I knew that hunting regulation would come in handy,” said the bathroomologist.Photo by David Muñoz and Dylan Schmidt With the imminent reopening of Pines and Roots, …
Girl Scouts Introduces New Cookie: The ‘Marijuana Munchie’
“HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME,” said The Tweaker.Photo by David Muñoz To make up for losses from “disappointing” winter cookie sales at UC San Diego, …
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
Morality ‘Solved’
“I might be a cicada without feelings, but the rational thing is that I still love Usha,” said Cicada Vance.Photo by Amit Roth After successfully capturing …
FED’s New Wealth Distribution Plan: Dropping Pennies Around Country
In homage to the long-standing tradition of picking up heads-up pennies found on the floor, the Federal Reserve System…
Cows Begin Producing Oat Milk, Cater to Queer Community
“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.Photo by Amit Roth In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
UCSD Gloving and Sliding Teams Duel in Revelle Plaza
“When you’re a glover, you’re a glover all the way,” said one glover. “From your firstcigarette to your last dying day.”Photo by Destiney Friday During a …
