Last S Spot Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site

Written by: Janice Kim

“What the hell did the S even stand for?!” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Over the course of the last school year, the university’s Parking …


Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery

Written by: Olga Vysotsky

“The NARC chip has a dual benefit of alerting the authorities every time someone thinks about using opiates,” said Alma Bowls.Photo by Julia Wong With Neuralink’s …


TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I can’t believe my friends just take whatever drugs companies push on them,” said one conference attendee, taking a hit from their Juul.Photo by Connor Betterly …


Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb

Written by: Shayna Crasnick

“He keeps eating my freaking yogurt,” said one mansion resident.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since Fall Quarter 2021, UC San Diego has faced an unprecedented housing crisis, …


Amazon and Boeing Announce Joint Microtransit Venture

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Still beats flying with United,” said Ahsoak Ingwethi.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Jeff Bezos was flown to the stage by three drones to announce his latest venture, …


US Military Tours Homeless Encampments for Career Exploration

Written by: Justin Xu

This is an interesting conundrum,” said a member of the middle class. “I respect the troops, but I hate the homeless.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow This past …


Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’

Written by: Millie You

“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …


UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads

Written by: Richard Rider

“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …


Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’

Written by: Justin Xu

“I’m proud to announce that we no longer have students living under the poverty line,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Justin Xu At a recent press conference, …


Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State

Written by: Dylan Towner

“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …