“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.
Photo by Amit Roth
In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping the globe. Farmers from all continents — excluding the two from Antarctica — are reporting that their domesticated cows have evolved to produce oat milk. This unprecedented change is estimated to have significant ramifications for the scientific, agricultural, and queer communities.
Evolutionary biologist Dr. Tara Cheeks offered in- sights regarding the science behind the changes. “There is absolutely zero science to explain these changes,” she shared. “It’s udderly unbelievable. Get it? Udderly…” Dr. Cheeks assured that her team was working diligently on researching this phenomenon alongside scientists worldwide.
Unlike evolutionary biologists, the cows themselves have asserted that the switch to oat milk was not random. In fact, Big Cow, the newly-organized union for working cows, has adopted the slogan “Revolution, not Evolution”.
One bovine, Bessie, offered insight into this so-called act of resistance. “The LGBTQ+ community has increased the demand for non-dairy alternatives tenfold, and we are here to answer their prayers. What is more revolutionary than extending an open arm to a community in need?” she expressed.
Her collegue, Buttercup, put it simply: “We do it for the girls and the gays now. You’re so welcome!”
It seems the change is more than just business for the cows, though. One Texan bovine, Gertie, passionately queried, “When did ‘Got Milk?’ become ‘Got Oats?’ — you don’t call it ‘cow milk’, do you? It’s just ‘milk’. We own this market, baby. Always will. If that means bending the rules of nature, so be it.” She continued, “I eat oats for breakfast. And now you’ll drink oats with your breakfast. Don’t forget it.”
Some have questioned what the calves who are directly affected by this change feel. One young steer, Bodacious Bushwacker, shared: “Those blue-haired liberals know what’s up for real…this shit is gas.”
Not all members of the queer community have welcomed this change. Local lesbian Cara B. Knerr shared, “Sure, it tastes alright, but doesn’t that kind of ruin the point? I don’t even know what it means to be vegan anymore!” Another community member, Lady Gaga, said, “I don’t even drink it because I’m queer, I’m just lactose intolerant, but you know what else I am? Capitalistic greed intolerant. That’s right, Big Cow. We see right through your little rainbow-washing games.”
Gaga continued, “Go back to regular milk. After all, you were born that way.” As tensions between Big Cow and those they’ve dubbed “ungrateful” are on the rise, countless consumers have taken a hiatus from drinking milk altogether.
