Editorial
Just an Everyday Guy Loved by Billions (of Dollars)
Hey, ahah, could you spare me a dollar? Sorry, sorry, kidding. You took me back to my roots when I saw what you were wearing, back …
Some People Shouldn’t Have Jobs
Is it me, or are people just hiring anybody these days? I only ask because, last week, I heard that an old schoolmate of mine, Mandy, …
A Proper Wife’s Routine
My alarm rings at 3:57 a.m. sharp. I bolt upright in my twin-size bed, quietly creeping out as to not wake my husband, who slumbers in …
I Need to Keep Renovating
I recently bought a house and with it began a brand new chapter of my life. I’m so excited to live in this big, beautiful home, …
I Have Somethin’ Very Important to Say
Listen, I want you to sit down when I tell you this. I’ll wait. Make sure you’re all nice ‘n’ comfy and your seatbelt’s strapped an’ …
UCSD Has Crazy Housing Inequality!!!
I am Hermit the Crab, a freshman at UC San Diego and the first non-human to enroll in the school’s history. I major in Real Estate …
UCSD Pisser Completely Soaks My Bedsheets!
Well, he got me, guys. What was supposed to be a very light and chill night hanging with a couple of my SDSU bros ended with …
How to Have a Hot Girl Hanukkah
As an advance warning, this holiday guide will end with boiling yourself in oil. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves! I haven’t introduced the …
I’m Just a Worm in a World Full of Early Birds
Rise and shine, they tell you. Today is a new day, they croon. The early bird gets the worm, after all. Yeah, that wouldn’t be an …
Hungry for a Simpler Life? Think Again.
Being owned by an eight year old isn’t easy, I won’t lie. Once, I was a powerful eldritch being, torturing the poor, rotten souls trapped in …
