Editorial
People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard
Wizards of San Diego, I come to you all with the most horrible problem I have ever faced in my short 200 years of existence. I …
Organic Chemistry Is Made Up
I simply cannot do it anymore. I cannot suspend my belief in the way of the world and pretend that I understand what the hell an …
I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You
I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by …
If You Really Think About It, Life Is Just a Game as a Service
I remember when the first arcades opened. My brother would spend hours in them, coming home late at night on an empty stomach after turning his …
Return Black Friday to Its Roots
If one more person disrespects the internationally-recognized holiday of Black Friday, I am going to lose it. The contempt when you dismiss this patriotic purchasing day …
It’s Not a Phage, Mom
I’m not doing this because it’s a viral trend! It’s not infectious, my friends haven’t caught it, and no one is putting me up to this. …
Cells Have Feelings, Too
You are made of cells. On the most fundamental level, everything is made of cells — the plants you forget to water, the mold growing on …
Competitive Eating Is Good for the Economy
I am an American hero. I am the one who keeps local businesses afloat during COVID-19, who provides the money to put kids through school, who …
Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones
Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who …
Triangle-cut Pizza: The Story of Success Taken Away
I had my first slice of pizza when I was two years old. My grandmother took me to a place in Brooklyn on the corner of …
