Erica Rosslee
Local Author Runs Out of Ideas
After years of synthesizing new, interesting concepts for books and short stories, local author Marianne Throuble has “completely run out of ideas.” “I sat down to …
Birds To Go On Strike
“Birds of a feather strike together!” said Big Bird.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Yesterday, the American Bird Union (ABU) announced that all members will go on strike …
Take a Break or I’ll Take You Out
I get it: life is hard. But I swear to God I am going to get you if you keep making me feel like shit all …
UCSD Mandates ‘Severance Procedure’ for All Students
“They say you shouldn’t dream of schoolwork, now I don’t live it either,” said Scott.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In light of current events, UC San Diego …
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
Geisel Library Hours Cut to 27 Minutes Per Week
According to a recent report, the number of books being borrowed from the library has remained unaffected.Photo by Liv Gilbert Effective this school year, UC San …
Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold
A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One …
Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging
“Finally, some peace and quiet,” said Mitch McConnell.Photo by Theo Erickson Despite a 75-hour Senate filibuster and a bipartisan coalition against it, Congress succeeded in passing …
