Erica Rosslee
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
Geisel Library Hours Cut to 27 Minutes Per Week
According to a recent report, the number of books being borrowed from the library has remained unaffected.Photo by Liv Gilbert Effective this school year, UC San …
Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold
A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One …
Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging
“Finally, some peace and quiet,” said Mitch McConnell.Photo by Theo Erickson Despite a 75-hour Senate filibuster and a bipartisan coalition against it, Congress succeeded in passing …
Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College
POINT: Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell You children these days are all fools. You lot are always …
UCSD Announces Plan to Become Carbon Neutral
“The warmth of Chancellor Khosla’s new car is enough for all of Sixth College,” said one student.Photo by Julia Wong In order to become carbon neutral, …
Humans Declared Critically Endangered by ‘Guy Who Can’t Get Laid’
An intern for the Environmental Protection Agency recently declared humans an endangered species on the agency’s X account. The post was quickly retracted by the intern’s …
Ask Emily Queue: Eco-Friendly Halloween
Dear Emily Queue, how soon can I start stealing other people’s Jack-o’-lanterns to compost? Is this really where we’re at? This is basic etiquette, people. As …
Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death
“Why bring in new blood when you can have old blood?” asked Jefferson.Photo by Millie You In response to criticism of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decisions …
