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UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced Nocturnal Enrollment, UC San Diego’s latest plan to increase enrollment. This new program, set to begin during the 2024–2025 academic year, will admit students who would otherwise be rejected or waitlisted to UCSD’s new night school. “This plan will allow us to double enrollment moving forward,” explained Khosla. “Everyone knows our students are amazing! By doubling the amount of students we teach, UCSD is bound to get double as amazing as it already is — that’s a lot of amazing!”

Following this announcement, many current students voiced the concern that the campus is already unable to accommodate the current number of students and could not cope with doubling the student body. “Where are you going to put all these new students?” asked second-year Farce Trepel. “I’m already sleeping in the Main Gym with my 500 roommates; there’s simply no more housing on campus for students at this point!”

Khosla addressed these concerns, stating, “It’s so simple that I don’t know why we didn’t think of this years ago. For so long, we thought three was the maximum number of students we could cram into a room — but thanks to my new innovation, we can double the number to 10! The idea came to me when I was touring one of the Navy’s nuclear submarines in order to study their housing efficiency. From their cramped little bunks sprung several ideas: first, that we could hang beds from the ceiling to take advantage of all that unused vertical space, and second, that the rooms could be used in shifts. Starting next year, every room will have five beds and 10 roommates that alternate access to the room in 12-hour shifts, allowing the nocturnal students time to sleep as the regular ones go to class during the day and vice versa. This will allow us to quadruple the number of students we can house on campus, and restores our four years of guaranteed housing moving forward.”

Detractors of the plan also raised concerns over the quality of education provided to those in the new nocturnal enrollment program. “Who’s going to be teaching us at night?” asked biology major Rose Enthorne. “Everyone knows biology professors can’t survive without sunlight. How are they supposed to teach us if they can’t photosynthesize for energy? If biologists aren’t teaching us, then who is? How am I supposed to become a biologist if I can’t photosynthesize?”

“I have pondered concerns over teaching quality and come up with a game changing solution,” Khosla said. “All our faculty members will be required to work at UCSD 24/5 with all their rest, bathroom breaks, and meals allotted to them on the weekends. This will allow all students to receive the quality education UCSD is known for. Also, removing unnecessary distractions such as personal lives and hobbies will make our faculty so much more efficient. To test this, I sat in my office and worked for an entire week. By the end of the week, I had created several plans for expanding UCSD; learned French, Italian, German, and Portuguese; filed 14 patents for the groundbreaking research I did into spintronics; and written another book that my publisher called ‘garbage,’ which I believe is French for amazing.”

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