Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show

Written by: Justin Xu

This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …


Department of Music Announces New Concert Series

Written by: Sylvia Terry

In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …


Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel

Written by: Theo Erickson

In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …


CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …

Top Ten


TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I can’t believe my friends just take whatever drugs companies push on them,” said one conference attendee, taking a hit from their Juul.Photo by Connor Betterly …


Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb

Written by: Shayna Crasnick

“He keeps eating my freaking yogurt,” said one mansion resident.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since Fall Quarter 2021, UC San Diego has faced an unprecedented housing crisis, …


Amazon and Boeing Announce Joint Microtransit Venture

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Still beats flying with United,” said Ahsoak Ingwethi.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Jeff Bezos was flown to the stage by three drones to announce his latest venture, …


I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture

Written by: Beth Becker

I hear people have been complaining about the occasional, small, itty-bitty noise that I make when I fall in your 8 a.m. lecture (it’s not like …

Top Ten

Top Ten Reoccurring Nightmares

Written by: The MQ