Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery

Written by: Olga Vysotsky

“The NARC chip has a dual benefit of alerting the authorities every time someone thinks about using opiates,” said Alma Bowls.
Photo by Julia Wong

With Neuralink’s first successful installation of a brain chip in a human subject, the company has announced its expansion into the field of mental health with the Human Amygdala-Replacing Mastercomputer (HARM) project.

The announcement came at a recent press conference where, citing a rise in depression and anxiety, spokes­woman Alma Bowls stated, “The situation is simply impossible. So many people do not have the insurance coverage to receive the therapy, medication, or other mental health support that they require. We can fulfill this need with only a 10% reduction in brain capacity.” The proposed solution comes in the form of the permanent removal of the amygdala, a section of the brain responsible for the stress response, and its replacement with the patented Neuralink Actuated Renewal Chip (NARC), which will regulate emotions automatically for the user. “We have spent over four weeks developing this project,” added Bowls, “with more than some months of research poured in. It really is a labor of love.”

According to a now‑deleted X thread by Elon Musk, the chip will be powered by “our superior AI language model, Grok, because it’s the one we developed and not mega loser Sam Altman,” and will have “full crypto/NFT functionality, obviously.” The thread continued to list features of the chip, including but not limited to full virtual reality immersion, Bluetooth pairing capability, and “crimethink” prevention. “All data will be stored via monkey blockchain, so only Bored Ape owners will be able to access your literal thoughts,” concluded Musk. “And somehow, liberal media will still call phony privacy concerns.” Comments under the thread asking for clarification were responded to with a crying-laughing emoji.

“Human trials have already begun,” said Bowls at the conference, “and our lawyers have successfully argued the FDA cannot technically regulate us, so the HARM project can start to empower our NARC Loyalty Renters™ as soon as possible.” In response, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) issued a notice stating: “The HARM project is legally under the FAA’s jurisdiction, due to the amygdala removal surgery being performed via miniature heat-seeking missiles. Due to the missiles never technically entering standard aircraft operating airspace, the procedure requires no special permits to perform. All reported loss of feeling in the extremities, failure to perceive possessed dolls, nostalgia for the aching of a heart once more rebroken, or other common side effects may be brought before civil court to pursue damages at the discretion and expense of the consumer.”

Although Neuralink is not traded publicly, investment analysts are estimating the company’s valuation to have risen more than 9000%. “I mean, this is it,” said investor Aylaik Baldoes. “This is how I can finally do the Ready Player One in real life. It’s going to be so awesome. I love that book!” Experts, however, have raised concerns about the surgical procedure and chip. “Having your emotions be directly controlled by something with Wi‑Fi connectivity seems highly dangerous,” said MIT professor Dr. Shadough Mann, “not to mention the obvious fact that you shouldn’t mini-missile your brain! In all their videos that demo the chip, it’s literally just an SD card. Has no one noticed this?” A week later, Dr. Mann was permanently banned from X for a “being so mean, dude” violation, along with a majority of licensed medical professionals on the platform.

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