Volume 30 Issue 5
Biden Delivers Unique State of the Union
In order to draw viewers into watching his State of the Union Address, President Biden introduced several changes to the way he delivered the speech. To …
IRS Debuts ‘Ultimate’ Form
Responding to mounting criticisms of the American tax system, the Internal Revenue Service announced the release of Form One: a single unified form that will be …
Alabama Embryologists Adopt 873 Children
“Embryo #405 has great aspirations to become a teacher,” said Abbie Maker.Photo by Amit Roth Following the recent controversial ruling by Alabama’s Supreme Court, all frozen …
Clocks Fail to Change for Daylight Saving Time, No One Notices
This past weekend, Daylight Saving Time was scheduled to begin, with all clocks to “spring forward” an hour. However, Americans across the country woke up this …
UCSD’s New Mental Health Initiative Is ‘Queering the Male Loneliness Binary’
“I don’t even need to take this class,” said one workshop attendee. “I just treat every woman like my mother.”Photo by Madeline Mozafari Amid the recent …
Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
This past weekend, the students of Simon Cowell Middle School received a surprise visit from their namesake, along with his camera crew and production team. The …
Chancellor Khosla Announces New Evil Department
“Finally, I can pick the greater of two evils,” said one student.Photo by Dylan Schmidt An email sent by Chancellor Pradeep Khosla last Thursday announced that …
Department of Music Announces New Concert Series
In a bid to diversify the musical offerings of the Department of Music, Director Jenny P. Orridge has introduced a new series of concerts titled “Dive …
Las Vegas Consumed by Plague of Moths
“I was drawn to it like a moth to a… like a… like… um…” said one moth.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Only a few months after the …
Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …
