Farhad Taraporevala

Briefs

March Madness Shortens Format To Draw in Younger Audience

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After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s …

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Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow

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“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.Photo by Millie You This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after …

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Goodyear Blimp Grounded Indefinitely 

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Throughout the month of February, several balloons flying over North America were shot down by U.S. fighter pilots. Following these incidents, Goodyear announced that their blimp …

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How Depleted Uranium Could Solve the World Hunger Crisis

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Five years ago, I was walking on a trail through the Yucca Mountains in Nevada when I stumbled upon a dull, grayish-black bar of metal. Having …

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Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy

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“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.Photo by Connor Betterly On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced …

Briefs

Biden Declares Bose-Einstein Condensate the New State of the Union

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Tuesday night, President Joseph R. Biden shocked the nation during his annual State of the Union address when he declared that the United States would soon …

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I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You

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I hate walking into the gym on January 1. It’s full of losers who crowd the machines and probably can’t even bench the bar. Thankfully by …

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This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet vs. Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950!

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Point: This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet Every year, on a beautiful winter day, my family gathers for a day of festivities. A …

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Chancellor Khosla “Surprised” to Find Classified Documents in Office

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“Classified? No, these are just top secret,” said Khosla.Photo by Julia Wong Following an anonymous tip, campus police and the Office of Internal Affairs conducted a …

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Qatar Imports Polar Ice Cap to Combat Excessive Heat at World Cup

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Photo by Amit Roth Following an unsuccessful trial run at Lusail Stadium on September 9, in which the stadium’s vaunted air conditioning system failed to cope …