
“My head hurts,” said one player.
Photo by Amit Roth
Last week, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a new initiative aimed at understanding the long-term effects of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “I know a lot of our fans and players are concerned about CTE and the health and safety of our players,” said Goodell. “Anything that affects our bottom line is something the NFL cares deeply about. Starting next month, we will be launching a study lasting a minimum of 100 years, conducted by doctors you can definitely trust on patients who definitely have CTE. I promise that we will get to the bottom of this, even though, to be honest, that will probably take a hundred, two hundred, or even a thousand years. You can rest assured that the NFL is doing everything possible to get educated on the issue and find a solution.”
There has been widespread approval from fans across the country in response to the study’s launch. “It’s so nice to see the NFL taking things seriously,” said Tennessee Titans fan Ansa Diness. “When I first heard about it, I was skeptical, but after I heard how long the study was for, I knew the NFL was taking the issue seriously. Plus you know whoever the NFL picks to lead the study will be motivated. If there’s anything I know about science, it’s that it takes someone willing to run headfirst through wall after wall without thinking about their head.”
Some critics, however, have raised concerns about this initiative. “I think it’s disgusting that the study is taking so long,” said Kansas City Chiefs fan Bannit Wagon. “It’s a complete waste of the League’s money when they could be spending more money on what actually matters: more alternate and color rush jerseys to spice up the viewer experience. As long as the players are wearing cool uniforms, who cares how many of them are concussed? As long as they are replaced by someone else wearing the same uniform, who’s gonna notice any difference?”
Dr. Cara Kapoot, a researcher with the NFL at the Lucky Strikes Institute for Care and Kinesthesiology, responded to questions about the study at a recent press conference. “I understand that a lot of people are having trouble trusting science these days, but I assure you all that we designed this study with transparency as our number one priority,” said Kapoot. “Because the study is a hundred years long, there will be plenty of time to collect all sufficient data, and to incorporate any advances in science into our study. So far, we have secured the rights to examine all future rookies’ brains, and we are working with the NFL to secure the rights for current and former players. For some reason, many of them are rather attached to their brains, but I’m sure they will see reason if they ever want to receive another contract or pension check again.”
In response to this announcement, the NFL Players Association called on the NFL to shut down the study. “It’s frankly barbaric to say that no one is allowed to play in the NFL without giving their brain to science after they die,” said Las Vegas Raiders quarterback John Silver. “We already sacrifice so much as players, including our brains while we’re still living; is it too much to ask that we be buried with some dignity?”