Briefs

Briefs

Local Band Crystal Belles Amasses Triton Cash Fortune

Written by: Abby Offenhauser

Last month, local band Crystal Belles garnered an animated audience during an on-campus performance at UC San Diego. According to the university, while it has historically …

Briefs

Second Iran War Scheduled for Q4 2028

Written by: David Muñoz

Following the recent release of the controversial — yet popular — addition to the Gulf War Cinematic Universe, the Depart- ment of State revealed that the …

Briefs

BORGmania Sweeps UCSD

Written by: Lilly Ririe

As finals season approaches, a new trend has taken the campus by storm. “There’s just one question on everyone’s mind: to BORG, or not to BORG?” …

Briefs

Emerald Fennell Threatens Literature with New Adaptation

Written by: Claire Cover

Following the release of her polarizing Wuthering Heights adaptation, British director Emerald Fennell has confirmed that another adaptation based on a beloved classic is in the …

Briefs

Pastor Denounces Middle East ‘Christians’

Written by: Cardi ​

During last week’s Thursday service, Episcopal Inadventist Communion of Saints — an American Christian Evangelical church — Pastor-Shepherd Noah Beckett officially denounced “Satan’s last bastion in …

Briefs

Super Mario Brothers Super Protest

Written by: Jules Ausbrooks

In a recent press release, famed plumbing, princess-saving, go-kart racing, and ghost-hunting brothers Mario and Luigi have decided to use their platform to decry the current …

Briefs

Man Negotiates Best Ever Phone Plan

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On Thursday, Billy Liverford broke the world record for “Best Ever Phone Plan” after spending five hours in a Verizon store. “It’s truly an honor, but …

Briefs

Band of Murderers Pardoned, Deputized Into Ice Agents

Written by: Dylan Towner

In a move labeled “controversial but not unprecedented,” a group of notorious murderers and serial killers have been pardoned from Minnesota State Penitentiary and deputized into …

Briefs

AI CEO Found Dried Out

Written by: Ethan Stiefel

Wilt.ai CEO Will Tookwater was found in his bed on the morning of February 3 a “dehydrated and unpleasant stale raisin.” According to his doctors, Tookwater …

Briefs

OceanGate To Launch New Submersible

Written by: Lilia Sanchez

After a three-year hiatus, OceanGate Inc. has officially announced plans to resume operations. Their “reopening” will include the launch of its new submersible vessel “Chekhov”. The …