Briefs

Briefs

UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm

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UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …

Briefs

Amazon Buys the Catholic Church

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Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …

Briefs

Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas

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As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …

Briefs

Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River

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With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …

Briefs

NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet

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On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …

Briefs

In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®

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Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …

Briefs

White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines

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In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …

Briefs

New Candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District Announced

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Soon after the House of Representatives voted to expel George Santos from his position, several candidates from both sides of the aisle announced their bids for …

Briefs

Psychoanalysis Wrapped — Your Top Armchair Diagnoses in 2023

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If your day-to-day interactions with strangers were anything to go by, 2023 was a hard year for you. You exhibited 2,133 different typical behaviors that people …

Briefs

Rocket Launch ‘Went Perfectly’

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After another launch of SpaceX’s Starship rocket culminated in a “rapid unscheduled disassembly,” one expert noted: “This means that it blew up (in other words, the …