Briefs
AUTISM DEEMED ‘TRENDY’
In a recent internet frenzy, users have crowned autism as the new “trendy thing to have.” Followers of this trend have flooded social media sites with …
GKN AEROSPACE ANNOUNCES TREBUCHET-POWERED CLEANUP PLAN
GKN Aerospace CEO Oliver Oyle recently held a press conference to address the criticism and controversies the company has faced in the wake of the recent …
UCSD CATAN TEAM MAKES A DEBUT IN COMPETITION
Last month, UC San Diego’s inaugural Catan team made their competitive debut at the Anaheim Regional National Pre-Qualifier Semifinal. “Competitive Catan is a mysterious world,” said …
PRESIDENT TRUMP EATS IRANIANPEACE DELEGATION
Tragedy struck during the U.S. – Iranian Peace Accords when President Donald J. Trump reportedly unhinged his jaw, and, in one fell swoop, swallowed the entire …
Local Band Crystal Belles Amasses Triton Cash Fortune
Last month, local band Crystal Belles garnered an animated audience during an on-campus performance at UC San Diego. According to the university, while it has historically …
Second Iran War Scheduled for Q4 2028
Following the recent release of the controversial — yet popular — addition to the Gulf War Cinematic Universe, the Depart- ment of State revealed that the …
BORGmania Sweeps UCSD
As finals season approaches, a new trend has taken the campus by storm. “There’s just one question on everyone’s mind: to BORG, or not to BORG?” …
Emerald Fennell Threatens Literature with New Adaptation
Following the release of her polarizing Wuthering Heights adaptation, British director Emerald Fennell has confirmed that another adaptation based on a beloved classic is in the …
Pastor Denounces Middle East ‘Christians’
During last week’s Thursday service, Episcopal Inadventist Communion of Saints — an American Christian Evangelical church — Pastor-Shepherd Noah Beckett officially denounced “Satan’s last bastion in …
Super Mario Brothers Super Protest
In a recent press release, famed plumbing, princess-saving, go-kart racing, and ghost-hunting brothers Mario and Luigi have decided to use their platform to decry the current …


