Briefs

Briefs

Pride Month To Be Sponsored by Raytheon

Written by: David Muñoz

Defense contractor RTX, better known by its former name Raytheon, released a statement affirming its support for the “LGB” community. In a “watershed” decision signaling “their …

Briefs

Democrats Find More Straws After Drawing Last One

Written by: Jules Ausbrooks

As national outcry against ICE sweeps across the nation and constituents call upon their representatives to “finally do something,” Democrat leaders released a statement sharing the …

Briefs

Tim Walz Found Licking Boots

Written by: Annelise McCullough

Under the mandate of Kristi “Bitchslayer” Noem, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) deployed multiple Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to various Minnesota cities in …

Briefs

Local Author Runs Out of Ideas

Written by: Erica Rosslee and Dylan Towner

After years of synthesizing new, interesting concepts for books and short stories, local author Marianne Throuble has “completely run out of ideas.” “I sat down to …

Briefs

Elon Musk Apologizes to Elementary Schooler

Written by: Aidan Moran

As X and SpaceX’s increasing CO2 emissions contribute to the global climate crisis, prominent Xeeter and billionaire Elon Reeve Musk has come under fire for questionable …

Briefs

UCSD Introduces Paid Battle Pass Subscription for Students

Written by: Jack Wilson

Beginning Winter Quarter 2027, UC San Diego will introduce a new paid service that allows students to “level up” and receive exclusive rewards. “We admire all …

Briefs

Sixth and Revelle Invade Muir

Written by: David Muñoz

In a “treacherous” and “cowardly” maneuver, the “barbaric” Sixth and Revelle Colleges have simultaneously declared war on the Sublime College of Muir. Allied forces have been …

Briefs

Mucus Secretions Up

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., …

Briefs

‘World’s Least Observant Man’ Plays Escape Room

Written by: The MQ

Local man Ronald Pembry decided this Friday to book an escape room for himself and his friends because “it sounded like a fun thing to do.” …

Briefs

 Local Retirement Home Partners with Mortuary

Written by: The MQ

This past week, Evergreen Glades Retirement Homes announced a new partnership with Fun-erals Mortuary and will now offer discount packages and seasonal sales for any deceased …