Dylan Towner
Santa Claus Declared Enemy of State
“My mommy said Santa’s a Democrat, so I think he deserved it,” said local 7-year-old Annie Jones.Photo by Liv Gilbert The United States has announced that …
Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …
I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?
POINT: I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 I’d like to start off by saying that Geisel is my favorite study spot. Come midterms and …
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’
Folks, we’ve gotta do something about this rat problem. I used to not have a problem with the rats. They were harmless at first. Sometimes, when …
Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …
Rats Unionize
UC San Diego’s rodent population has recently received recognition as an organized union by campus administration. The Lab Rats’ 12-month campaign has garnered them protections against …
University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
“I spoke to The Creature and I thought he was a really nice guy,” said one UCSD administrator.Photo by Julia Wong Last Monday, UC San Diego …
Australia Loses War to Emus Again
The Australian military has reported that their second crusade against the emus has failed. Following their defeat at the hands of the birds in the 1932 …
