Dylan Towner
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’
Folks, we’ve gotta do something about this rat problem. I used to not have a problem with the rats. They were harmless at first. Sometimes, when …
Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.Photo by Amit Roth In the six months following the enactment …
Rats Unionize
UC San Diego’s rodent population has recently received recognition as an organized union by campus administration. The Lab Rats’ 12-month campaign has garnered them protections against …
University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
“I spoke to The Creature and I thought he was a really nice guy,” said one UCSD administrator.Photo by Julia Wong Last Monday, UC San Diego …
Australia Loses War to Emus Again
The Australian military has reported that their second crusade against the emus has failed. Following their defeat at the hands of the birds in the 1932 …
The Mobile Ordering System on Campus Is an Unstable Nightmare vs The Triton2Go System Works Perfectly, You’re Just Being a Baby
Point: The Mobile Ordering System on Campus Is an Unstable Nightmare Like the rest of you folks, I was forced to purchase a campus dining plan. …
