Dylan Towner
Band of Murderers Pardoned, Deputized Into Ice Agents
In a move labeled “controversial but not unprecedented,” a group of notorious murderers and serial killers have been pardoned from Minnesota State Penitentiary and deputized into …
Local Author Runs Out of Ideas
After years of synthesizing new, interesting concepts for books and short stories, local author Marianne Throuble has “completely run out of ideas.” “I sat down to …
My Boss Killed Me in a Past Life – Here’s How I’m Leveraging That in My Career
They say eyes are the window to the soul. And much like a house, when you look through those windows into someone’s soul, you might see …
Santa Claus Declared Enemy of State
“My mommy said Santa’s a Democrat, so I think he deserved it,” said local 7-year-old Annie Jones.Photo by Liv Gilbert The United States has announced that …
Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …
I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?
POINT: I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 I’d like to start off by saying that Geisel is my favorite study spot. Come midterms and …
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’
Folks, we’ve gotta do something about this rat problem. I used to not have a problem with the rats. They were harmless at first. Sometimes, when …
