In a move labeled “controversial but not unprecedented,” a group of notorious murderers and serial killers have been pardoned from Minnesota State Penitentiary and deputized into ICE agents.
“These dedicated gentlemen have shown a real knack for purifying America and embodying the traits of a true warrior,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth in a press conference. “They’ve shown a distinct excitement to carry on the mission, purely in the name of securing our borders, of course.”
This group of 12 were all members of a group called “The Fucking Killer Guys”, and were collectively convicted of killing 53 Latino Americans and two white Americans, the latter of which led to their conviction. Their release and subsequent deputization is predicated on a “distinct lack of guilt or remorse” which Hegseth says is “inspiring and integral to the cause.”
Despite Hegseth’s praise, this move has been met with backlash from within ICE itself. Agent Brett Burgh said, “53? These losers are putting up rookie numbers. It doesn’t take 12 people to tear a family apart, I’ve torn part more then 53 families single-handedly, and that was on an off day for me! I don’t think they have what it takes to enforce immigration. Pussies.”
