Volume 32 Issue 4
Band of Murderers Pardoned, Deputized Into Ice Agents
In a move labeled “controversial but not unprecedented,” a group of notorious murderers and serial killers have been pardoned from Minnesota State Penitentiary and deputized into …
AI CEO Found Dried Out
Wilt.ai CEO Will Tookwater was found in his bed on the morning of February 3 a “dehydrated and unpleasant stale raisin.” According to his doctors, Tookwater …
Cicadaman Emerges from Centennial Slumber
“What did they build in New York?” Cicadaman asked. “Some kind of World Trade Center? Cool! I sure hope nothing happened to it!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
OceanGate To Launch New Submersible
After a three-year hiatus, OceanGate Inc. has officially announced plans to resume operations. Their “reopening” will include the launch of its new submersible vessel “Chekhov”. The …
Canvas Shifts Online Services to Stone Tablets
Economists warn of soon-to-burst tablet bubble.Photo by Amit Roth L ast quarter, Instructure Canvas experienced a 17-hour global outage. Afterward, Instructor Canvas chief executive officer Steve …
Pride Month To Be Sponsored by Raytheon
Defense contractor RTX, better known by its former name Raytheon, released a statement affirming its support for the “LGB” community. In a “watershed” decision signaling “their …
Democrats Find More Straws After Drawing Last One
As national outcry against ICE sweeps across the nation and constituents call upon their representatives to “finally do something,” Democrat leaders released a statement sharing the …
School Shooters Now Required to Use Silencers During Exam Season
“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.Photo by Amit Roth With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has …
The Creature Is Coming
“Not everything is about politics,” said The Creature.Photo by Aidan Moran Over the past year, journalists, researchers, and monster-hunters across the United States have begun to …
Tim Walz Found Licking Boots
Under the mandate of Kristi “Bitchslayer” Noem, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) deployed multiple Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to various Minnesota cities in …
