November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Entertainment

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Home Chef Invents Three-Day PB&J Recipe

Written by: Erin Yao

“People will be so peanut butter and jealous when they see your great meal!” said Lennon Zest.Photo by Amit Roth While many professional chefs experiment with …

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NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art — oh, shit, wrong play,” said Kenny Pickett.Photo by Amit Roth In a series of advertisements designed to raise excitement for …

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MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’m gonna be great at this whole baseball thing,” said one writer. “I’ve already nailed my opening pitch.”Photo by Jacob King and Maria Dhilla Shortly after …

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Pluto Violates Subscription Terms, Loses Planetary Status

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“They ripped me off,” said Jupiter. “I paid for a whole year’s subscription, but they only gave me 365 days.”Photo by Julia Wong When Pluto first …

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Famous Star Canceled for Creating Nuclear Power Plant

Written by: Sharon Roth

“Getting a chance to sit down and talk with the Sun was enlightening,” said one journalist. “They’re not as bright as they seem.”Photo by Sharon Roth …

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Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements

Written by: Sharon Roth

“Not only is this mercury great for my health, I also love the way it settles in my stomach!” exclaimed one customer.Photo by Sharon Roth Instagram …

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Avatar: The Way of Water to Be Re-Released in 192 One-Minute Segments on YouTube Shorts

Written by: James Woolley

“I can’t understand the plot because part 36 was removed for copyright,” lamented one viewer.Photo by Connor Betterly James Cameron announced plans to re-release his latest …

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Qatar Imports Polar Ice Cap to Combat Excessive Heat at World Cup

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Photo by Amit Roth Following an unsuccessful trial run at Lusail Stadium on September 9, in which the stadium’s vaunted air conditioning system failed to cope …

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Netflix Responds to Criticism of Jeffrey Dahmer Series by Lengthening Show’s Title

Written by: Jeannie Kim

Netflix recently announced they would be partnering with Monster Energy to fund season two.Photo by Amit Roth This September, Netflix released Dahmer — Monster: The Jeffrey …