“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.
Photo by Amit Roth
With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has released guidelines requiring that all school shooters employ the use of silencers to avoid distracting test-takers with the sound of gunfire. This decision has been highly praised by members of the district Board of Education as an “innovative way of supporting students’ education while adapting to modern challenges in the public schooling environment.”
“Our primary objective at San Diego Unified is uplifting our students’ education, especially as they prepare for important exams which can determine the trajectory of their future,” said SDUSD Board representative John Classroom. “We cannot reasonably expect students to focus on their academics while distracted by gunfire and screams for help, which studies find can be quite loud. That’s why, in order to protect and em- power our students, we’re asking school shooters to be considerate of their peers by silencing their firearms.”
The new policy has caught the attention of local politicians who largely echo the board’s sentiments and applaud the initiative as an “eagerly awaited step in the right direction.”
“School shootings are a tragedy, sure, but they’re also a major class disruption,” said San Diego Mayor Gerald U. Nicholson. “My heart goes out to all the teachers who have to deal with these kinds of things. Every single one of them is a hero — not just for being there to protect our children, but for also being flexible enough to adjust the curriculum and help students catch up afterwards — and I’m so glad that we’re finally stepping up to help.”
Some San Diego schools are taking this initiative a step further. To help limit firearm usage during class, teachers have begun using “Gun Hotels,” or sets of wall-mounted holsters where students are required to stash small firearms until lunch or the end of each period. If a student would like to start a school shooting, they must first ask for permission from their teacher before retrieving their firearm(s). This way, teachers are able to stop school shootings from occurring without prior notice, and ensure that they do not disrupt an ongoing lesson.
At a recent San Diego Unified meeting, board members revealed that in addition to requiring all guns be silenced, the policy will also demand that any frightened or wounded students whisper instead of yell. Teachers will be notified in the event of a school shooting but are to continue their lessons normally in order to minimize lost instruction time. Board representatives believe helping students catch up on coursework after an incident occurs should be “relatively easy,” given they are now fewer in number. The board meeting also addressed numerous public comments concerning the possibility that police sirens and officers arriving on scene might “distract students.” The consensus yielded that it is highly unlikely any police officer would arrive before an incident concludes and therefore there is no need to expand the policy further.
In order to compensate school shooters for the restrictions placed on their extracurriculars, San Diego high schools will begin selling firearms in the lunch line.
“Although it’s important to support students who are currently studying and working hard to enter their dream colleges, it’s also important to teach them how we can all help each other succeed,” said Classroom. “While their peers might have different or unusual interests, their needs and wants are no less valid. I believe finding ways to support our school shooters and ease them into this new policy is a great way to teach all our students about the value of compromise.”
