Economists warn of soon-to-burst tablet bubble.
Photo by Amit Roth
L ast quarter, Instructure Canvas experienced a 17-hour global outage. Afterward, Instructor Canvas chief executive officer Steve Daley, lamented on social media: “Technology has become far too reliable nowadays. I forget for like, a day tops, to pay back Bezos for go-karting, and those bastards at Ama- zon Web Services pull the plug on us! You people are all addicted to your phones or something, so because of you whining crybabies, we’ve now moved all of our online services to physical, trustworthy stone tablets.”
In response, UC San Diego now requires students and faculty to purchase a “Canvas-branded” stone tablet for their classes, which the school will provide at the bookstore at a “very normal stone tab- let price.” In addition to this change, the use of technology such as smart phones and laptops has been banned across campus as UCSD administrators encourage “going back to the basics and listening to professors instead of staring at screens.” Many students are “flabbergasted” by this sudden change, with one Eighth College resident stating, “as long as my stone doesn’t crumble during my Ochem test I guess I’ll be okay, but this might be my last straw. Or rock, I guess.”
In classrooms, professors have noticed a decrease in schoolwork submissions, as it now takes “extra time and Herculean effort” to chisel a new layer after finishing an assignment.
“You have no idea how long it takes me to start a clean slate after finishing a vector calculus set,” said a MATH 20E student. “I’ve cut so many corners at this point that I’m afraid my professor will start to catch on that my dog has not been chowing down on granite every night.” MATH 20E professor Dr. Crungle claimed he “wasn’t concerned” about the drop, stating: “those must be some very hungry dogs, and understandably so.”
Professors have caught many students attempting to “use the primitive way of submitting assignments” and have since been turned over to the Office of Student Affairs. “I got a notification that said my stone tablet arrived at the bookstore, and because I looked at my phone, the professor whacked me on the head with a wooden club,” one student shared. Now, every lecture hall features a boulder that “catches any tech users red-handed.” Plastered on top of each boulder is the slogan “BIG BOULDER IS ALWAYS WATCHING.”
Due to high demand and worldwide stone slab shortage, some students have yet to receive their tablets and may need to “use the antiquated remembering-and-saying-things-out-loud tactic” to submit their work. “These slabs ain’t cheap,” said one lapidarist. “Nobody gives a second thought to the stone worker making a hundred of these a day. I just hope that this won’t be another useless craze. Hopefully the slabs are here to stay.”
According to the university, there has been a marked increase in “scooter collision-related accidents” on Library Walk, as students are now carrying “two hundred pounds of school materials inside their backpacks” and are “unable to quickly make space.” “Maybe it’ll teach some of these micro-mobility milk-soppers a lesson,” said a Thurgood Marshall resident. “Hitting me with their scooter will be the equivalent of hitting a brick wall, so don’t try me. Halt the malignant scooter malarkey.”
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