Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters


Written by: Dylan Towner

“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow

With the 2024 United States presidential election on the horizon, the Joe Biden re-election campaign has vowed to increase their efforts to alienate young voters. As to why the Biden campaign has chosen to reduce its potential voter base, campaign manager Reginald Lawrence explained, “Look folks, kids these days don’t know what’s good for them. If they show up and vote, they might get some kind of crazy idea that they can have an active role in politics, and that their actions might be able to cause some social change, and we just can’t have that. Luckily, our experts have predicted that Joe can continue to coast off his ironclad ‘at least I’m not Trump’ platform and not change any of his actions at all. It seems to be working for us!”

Indeed, following the Biden administration’s controversial decision to effectively ban the popular social networking app TikTok, insiders in the Biden campaign have confirmed that this is just the “first step of many” in their campaign to ensure that young voter turnout sees an all-time low. A roadmap shows that the next stage in this campaign, dubbed independently by both insiders and outsiders as “Project Youth-anize,” will see even further attempts to restrict social media access among young voters, limiting their ability to express their frustrations. The Biden campaign reports “high hopes” from its offices that it will disenfranchise and further dissuade these youths from voting for him with continued attempts to shut down communication in youth-­dominated spaces.

In addition, the Biden administration’s unwavering material support of Israel in its assault on Gaza has contributed to protests from college students across the country. Many campaign managers have called these protests a “promising sign” towards their goal of ensuring that Joe Biden receives as little support as possible from voters between 18 and 29 years of age.

Further plans from the Biden campaign will reportedly target any and all voters who otherwise might have had faith that “an individual’s participation in the electoral process is worth just as much as the interests of incomprehensibly profitable industries,” in the words of a leaked intra-office meme shared on Slack. These plans include giving oil companies exclusive rights to drill on Native American reservations, tripling police budgets on college campuses, and opening the draft.

“Joe Biden is a dick,” said one UC San Diego student who preferred to remain anonymous. “I remember thinking how much of a relief it was to have a president who was on our side — the liberal side. I was so excited to vote and support him. I even bought a Commander Biden plush from his official merch store to support his campaign, and now I can’t even look at it without feeling vomitous. This never would’ve happened under Bernie.”

In addition to anecdotes like these, early polling from Gallup has provided “Project Youth-anize” with data to back up their efforts. A poll conducted amongst a sample of college students from San Diego County showed 26% support for Biden, 73% support for “not Biden,” and 1% support for “Taylor Swift.” Reportedly, after these polls were released, Biden’s campaign managers were given a 50% raise for a “job well done.”

“Who knew it was this easy to lose the support of millions of potential voters?” said Lawrence. “All we needed to do was to make wildly unpopular decisions and policies with absolutely no regard for our constituents, and look at us now!”

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