Volume 30 Issue 7
US To Be Joined by the UK in Celebrating Independence Day
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak surprised many when he announced that the United Kingdom’s general election would be held earlier than expected, on July 4. “I called …
UCSD Student Discovers Arts Majors
After reading UC San Diego’s tentative funding plan for the 2024–2025 academic year, Biochemistry major Beaker Labson was “floored” to learn about UCSD’s numerous renowned art …
Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful
“Above all, UC San Diego prides itself on nurturing the health and well-being of our grass,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Liv Gilbert On May 6, Chancellor …
Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse
The recent Cybertruck recall was described by Elon Musk as a “fuckstorm unlike any seen since the Titanic” in a company-wide email which, according to one …
Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest
“Putting my name on buildings is basically retail therapy,” said Irwin Jacobs.Photo by Amit Roth Tense negotiations are underway regarding the naming rights for UC San …
Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down
Stand-up comic Dave Chappelle recently canceled all upcoming shows for the foreseeable future. “I woke up like I did any other day, thanking God for making …
Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities
Star of hit Disney Channel show Fairy Godmother, Alina Jay, has been spotted around La Jolla trying out a variety of careers. Meg, insider source and …
UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’
“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …
President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’
During a press conference on the White House lawn, the President reaffirmed his acuity and fitness for office, despite being the oldest chief executive in US …
Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …
