Volume 30 Issue 7

Briefs

US To Be Joined by the UK in Celebrating Independence Day

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak surprised many when he announced that the United Kingdom’s general election would be held earlier than expected, on July 4. “I called …

Briefs

UCSD Student Discovers Arts Majors

Written by: Naomika Nadkarni

After reading UC San Diego’s tentative funding plan for the 2024–2025 academic year, Biochemistry major Beaker Labson was “floored” to learn about UCSD’s numerous renowned art …

Briefs

Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse

Written by: James Woolley

The recent Cybertruck recall was described by Elon Musk as a “fuckstorm unlike any seen since the Titanic” in a company-wide email which, according to one …

ArticlesCampusNews

Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful

Written by: The MQ

“Above all, UC San Diego prides itself on nurturing the health and well-being of our grass,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Liv Gilbert On May 6, Chancellor …

Briefs

Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down

Written by: Justin Xu

Stand-up comic Dave Chappelle recently canceled all upcoming shows for the foreseeable future. “I woke up like I did any other day, thanking God for making …

ArticlesCampusNews

Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest

Written by: Jackson Conte

“Putting my name on buildings is basically retail therapy,” said Irwin Jacobs.Photo by Amit Roth Tense negotiations are underway regarding the naming rights for UC San …

Briefs

Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

Star of hit Disney Channel show Fairy Godmother, Alina Jay, has been spotted around La Jolla trying out a variety of careers. Meg, insider source and …

ArticlesCampusNews

UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’

Written by: Justin Xu

“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …

Briefs

President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’

Written by: Jackson Conte

During a press conference on the White House lawn, the President re­affirmed his acuity and fitness for office, despite being the oldest chief executive in US …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters

Written by: Dylan Towner

“Back in my day, all presidential candidates supported genocide, and we liked it!” said President Biden.Photo by Jordan Whitlow With the 2024 United States presidential election …