“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.
Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad Taraporevala
Last week, the UC San Diego School of Medicine announced that a new course, MMP 125: Intro to Victim Blaming, would be open for enrollment in the Fall 2024 quarter as a part of the new Medical Malpractice department. According to the course proposal by Dr. Quickity Quack, Intro to Victim Blaming is an overview of modern methods used to blame patients for their medical concerns.
“Look, being a doctor is hard. That’s why I want to ensure my students are well-equipped to lighten their workload by perpetuating healthcare disparities,” said Dr. Quack in a recent interview. “I’ve put a lot of thought and effort into developing a novel curriculum that isn’t backed by any research whatsoever.”
The syllabus for Dr. Quack’s new course divides the curriculum into five units: geriatric, bariatric, female patients, recreational drug users, and racial minorities. Each unit teaches the use of various stereotypes and prejudices as a heuristic to misdiagnose patients as well as the importance of implicit bias. Exams will also include a practical portion, during which students demonstrate what they’ve learned on patients from Jacobs Medical Center at UC San Diego Health. Grading will be based on the successful misdiagnosis of the patient, a lack of concern for their general wellbeing, and the refusal of a more thorough examination. Bonus points will be awarded if a diagnosis is made before the patient reaches the exam room. In addition, to help visualize the material through physical activity, Dr. Quack has planned for a field day of “frog-jumping to conclusions.”
News of the new course has made waves in the local medical community. One student said, “I’m sort of frustrated. I wasn’t planning to take MMP 125, but apparently it’s been made a prerequisite for MMP 139: Cutting Costs and MMP 182: Avoiding Lawsuits.”
Many medical professionals have praised the new course offering. “I’m glad these skills are finally being taught earlier,” says Dr. R. Sole, an alumnus of the UC San Diego School of Medicine. “It’s something I use on a daily basis in my private practice, and it would be cruel to have them learn it through experience like I did.” Dr. Sole also mentioned how glad he was that the course includes practical experience with collecting money from patients. “Not only are their health issues their own fault, but they should also pay for distracting you from real doctor stuff, like wearing scrubs and not seeing patients.”
“Working in healthcare is difficult because there is never an easy answer with any patient,” said Dr. Quack. “That’s why it’s up to us to make one up. My mission is to teach these students the confidence to hide their incompetence. God knows patients will believe anything.”
According to a recent study by Macdonald Lab at the University of Science, victim blaming yields a 50% decrease in average appointment time and a 75% increase in self-gratification and pats on the back. The paper describes this technique as “necessary and useful for any doctor who cares, but only a little bit.”
Upon graduation, any student with Intro to Victim Blaming on their transcript will not be required to take the Hippocratic Oath. “I understand that each of us enters medical school wanting to do right by our patients, but one way or another, we all soon learn that it’s so much easier to just pretend,” said Dr. Quack. “I’ll consider this project a success if even a single student from my class is made a burnt-out prick, and it would be my pleasure to wish them well on their career in prick-hood.”
