President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’


Written by: Jackson Conte

During a press conference on the White House lawn, the President re­affirmed his acuity and fitness for office, despite being the oldest chief executive in US history at 81. Biden said that he is “in perfect shape for the second plresibential [sic] time.”

Shortly after removing the President from the podium, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre made the following statement: “Like all of us, President Biden is human, and it’s unfair to judge him on his harmless mistakes. It takes a long and illustrious political career to build the vigor and determination necessary to maintain the status quo as firmly as President Biden has.”

In a statement later that week, former President Donald Trump was quick to address his opponent’s gaffe. “It’s sad, folks. The President has to talk to millions and millions of people. And he’s not good with words. I have the best words. People love my words. Sometimes I’m at these huge rallies, I don’t even know what I’m saying, but they cheer for me.”

“That’s great, Mr. Trump,” the presiding judge interjected. “But I fail to see how this is relevant to
your case.”

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