ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’

Written by: Dylan Towner

By Roderick Keene
Rodent Wary

Folks, we’ve gotta do something about this rat problem. I used to not have a problem with the rats. They were harmless at first. Sometimes, when I would walk home, I’d see a couple scampering around in the bushes, or I’d see one or two chilling on an overfilled trash can, and that was fine. This is a normal amount of rats, I think, just doing normal rat things in normal rat places. More recently, however, these rats have started behaving in a way that’s… pretty peculiar. I’ve started finding them in stranger and stranger places, doing stranger and stranger things. Initially, I just shrugged it off as rats being rats. But then I went to Foodworx, and I saw one manning the stove. And I don’t mean this in some charming Ratatouille way, with a cute little critter pulling gently on some French twink’s hair as they have a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. No, I mean this in the sense that a large rodent had its hands elbow-deep in the soup as it stared at me, malice in its eyes. Not normal!

I was frankly a bit shaken by this, but I figured this was probably an isolated incident. Unfortunately, this was just a warning sign of things to come. My close encounters with these dastardly beasts became more frequent as they got bolder and bolder. I’ve started seeing them everywhere. Some might say, “Well, they’re just animals, how bad could it really be?” But those people have never walked into the shower to find an audience of rats awaiting you, or witnessed hundreds of them eating through the metal of your bike, or met a horde of them wearing your clothes and forming into a humanoid shape in an attempt to become you. Please. Please get rid of them.

By Smelvin Freakly
Rat Fanatic

You just don’t get it, do you? There is no “rat problem.” The phrase “rat problem” is an oxymoron, unless the problem in question is there not being enough rats. I, for one, welcome our new rodent companions. Did you know that rats are actually incredibly intelligent? If you saw one making you soup, that sounds more like a privilege than this horrible nightmare you’re making it out to be. Oh, is someone too good for a good, old­-fashioned Rat-Stirred Soup? Somebody call the wahmbulance for Mr. Big Shot over here. Also, I would feel honored if I had an audience of little critters to watch me in the shower. Trying to make me jealous? Well, it’s working. You seem to have a pretty skewed idea of what a problem is, buddy.

It’s been scientifically proven in a study from some university (that I will not provide for privacy purposes) that you actually gain a plethora of health benefits from having rats watch you shower. Don’t google it, though. Additionally, I think those rats are doing you a favor by eating your bike. Don’t you know that riding a bike is extremely dangerous? You could fall off or hurt yourself, or, more importantly, you could hit me! And that’s a risk I’m unwilling to take. Take a walk like the rest of us, speed demon.

Frankly, I hope these rats succeed in taking your place. A rodent would be a far more reasonable person than you. I suggest you take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and reevaluate your life. I could say good day to you, but I wouldn’t mean it. Fareunwell.

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