“My mommy said Santa’s a Democrat, so I think he deserved it,” said local 7-year-old Annie Jones.
Photo by Liv Gilbert
The United States has announced that Santa Claus, iconic bringer of Christmas gifts to children around the world, has been declared an enemy of the state. This announcement comes in preparation for the Christmas season, when the reindeer-powered sleigh will be making its annual flight through American airspace.
“This has gone on for long enough,” said United States Secretary of Defense Gary Rinchley. “We’ve allowed this foreign national to come into our country without documentation and deliver gifts to our children for years on end. It’s about damn time someone took this commie bastard down a peg.”
The decision to declare Santa Claus, and by extension, the North Pole, enemies of the state, comes as a result of an increased defense budget and an uptick in anti-foreigner sentiment from the US population. “The American people are tired of this ‘person’ flying over our great nation and giving our children handouts,” said Rinchley. “Sure, it’s all fun and games when he’s just delivering fun and games, but think about it. It’s just teaching the youths of America that some red-themed man with a big white beard is gonna give them handouts all day, and that is a slippery slope to socialism. And if there’s one thing I’m supposed to hate, it’s socialism.”
Insider information from the Air Force has confirmed that specific anti-Santa weaponry has been developed and is set to be deployed come December 24. These measures include a variety of experimental weapons, including the D-D1 Prancer, hearth-seeking missiles, and reindeer-grade bear traps. American families have also been ordered to poison the milk and cookies they will be putting out for Santa in case he slips through the first line of defense.
“It seems like I’m unwelcome in this country,” said Santa. “All I do is bring gifts and joy to children there, and they treat me like a criminal. I suppose I’ll have to put America on the naughty list.”
Reportedly, the North Pole’s economy will be hit hard by this new “enemy-of-the-state status,” with several elves announcing that they will be going on strike until these changes are reversed. “I don’t see why we should be the ones suffering for the old man’s lack of regard for airspace regulations,” said head elf Witherbillibarn Von Schpinklintoesies. “Christmastime export to the states is a big source of income for us up here, and to lose that cash cow is gonna put us outta house and home. We either need to find another distributor or find some other way to get off that enemy list, or else we’re gonna have to do something drastic.”
US officials have denied rumors that these efforts have been enacted exclusively to stockpile “naughty list coal.” In a report released by the Secretary of State, the stated official reasons for Santa’s relegation to the nation’s list of enemies includes “the rampant spread of Communist ideals, inflation, and putting me on the naughty list for something I didn’t even do, it was my brother, come on man, you didn’t have to do that to me.”
Top Air Force officials have confirmed that should their efforts to eliminate Santa on Christmas Eve fail, they are prepared to take the nuclear option. “He’s going down, one way or another,” said Rinchley. “And, who knows? Maybe nuking the poles will fix the climate. Elon Musk says it’ll work on Mars, so why not here?”
