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Gen Z Trends Towards Puritanism
A recent poll conducted on Gen Z revealed that Puritanism is once again “in” and “hip with the kids.” Analysts report that an unprecedented 70% of …
Matt Gaetz takes Sabbatical
Matt Gaetz, former-congressman-cum-suspect in a child sexual misconduct case, was recently asked to join the incoming Trump administration as Attorney General, but has since taken himself …
Jacobs School of Engineering Now ‘School of Bioengineering’
Following a donation from Hologic, the UC San Diego Jacobs School of Engineering has announced that effective immediately, they are now to be referred to as …
Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of …
UCSD to Require New Sunset Enjoyment Class
Yesterday, the Dean of Undergraduate Education announced that all UC San Diego students are required to take a new class, SIO 154: Sunsetology. “Recently I’ve noticed …
SSA Declares Nobody Disabled
Instead of sending rejection letters, the OSD has reportedly begun sending out notices recommending that applicants “try putting Vicks on it.”Photo by Amit Roth The Social …
TSA Agent Fired for Being ‘Too Nice’
Transportation Security Administration employee Ray Sun-Shyne was fired from Orlando International Airport (MCO) on account of “not behaving according to TSA values and in the TSA …
Santa’s Reindeer Hunted as Trophies, Christmas Cancelled
“Rudolph tasted real good,” said successful bidder Maddysyn Merry.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Kristopher Nicholas Kringle Claus, or “Santa Claus,” as he is more commonly known, has …
Jake Paul Challenges Hospice Residents to Next Fight
After Jake Paul prevailed in his fight against former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, he left the ring with a message about his next match: “No old …
Gov. Newsom to Screen Homeless Population from Public View
“This is an outrage!” said one student. “Which soup kitchen will I get volunteer hours from now?!”Photo by Liv Gilbert Last week, California Governor Gavin Newsom …
